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The Little Princess 



Twenty-four Days 
On a Troopship 



By 



J. Ralph Pickell 



C Meanwhile 
the author 
visits a harem 
in Africa, de- 
livers a lec- 
ture, witness- 
es a dozen 
romances 
faithfully re- 
corded, laug,hs 
at the funniest 
thing,s which 
ever hap- 
pened, and 
w^rites a book 
about it. This 
is it. 

Published by the 

Rosenbaum 
Review 

CHICAGO 



A^ 



^^^^ 



^^ 



Copyright, 1919 
By J. RALPH PICKELL 



The Author desires to acknowledge his indebtedness 
to C. C. Campus, an Italian co-laborer, whose 
sketches illuminate these pages. 



^tH 13 1913 



©CI.A529838 



jForetoort) 




HERE is a deeper purpose in 
the publication of this book 
then the simple narration of 
disjointed tales about a troop- 
ship, homeward bound. The 
voyage from Genoa to Ne^v 
York, extending over a period 
of twenty-four days, is a mere 
incident in its relation to the "World War, 
and yet you must apprehend that the diffi- 
culties which have arisen in transporting 
twelve hundred six soldiers have been real, 
even if they are often amusing. The ships 
which have carried two million of our men 
to and from foreign soil have been more or 
less like this one, and even during war 
time similar comedies have been enacted. 
Many a soldier has found his life mate 
dressed in a Red Cross uniform. The 
shuttle of fate has woven thousands of 
romances out of the u^arp of war. W^ar is 
a leveler of morals, but it levels down, not 
up. So we shall learn. Every solitary 
incident cited in this book is founded upon 
facts. I commend it to you as a rhetorical 
impossibility. From a literary point of 
view it has little merit. Humanly speak- 
ing it is a real production and that's why 
it will be read with human interest. Peo- 
ple acted and I wrote. 

J. RALPH PICKELL 



A^ 



<^^^^ 



sX^t) 



Copyright, 1919 
By J. RALPH PICKELL 



The Author desires to acknowledge his indebtedness 
to C. C. Campus, an Italian co-laborer, whose 
sketches illuminate these pages. 



^tH 13 1913 



(p)CI.Ao29 838 



jforetoorti 




HERE is a deeper purpose in 
the publication of this book 
then the simple narration of 
disjointed tales about a troop- 
ship, homeward bound. The 
voyage from Genoa to New 
York, extending over a period 
of twenty-four days, is a mere 
incident in its relation to the World War, 
and yet you must apprehend that the diffi- 
culties which have arisen in transporting 
twelve hundred six soldiers have been real, 
even if they are often amusing. The ships 
which have carried two million of our men 
to and from foreign soil have been more or 
less like this one, and even during war 
time similar comedies have been enacted. 
Many a soldier has found his life mate 
dressed in a Red Cross uniform. The 
shuttle of fate has woven thousands of 
romances out of the warp of war. War is 
a leveler of morals, but it levels down, not 
up. So we shall learn. Every solitary 
incident cited in this book is founded upon 
facts. I commend it to you as a rhetorical 
impossibility. From a literary point of 
view it has little merit. Humanly speak- 
ing it is a real production and that's why 
it will be read with human interest. Peo- 
ple acted and I wrote. 

J. RALPH PICKELL 



T- HIS NARRATIVE is hap- 

pily dedicated to all of its read- 
ers who believe in the poetry 
of romance and the sunshine 
of smiles; but more especially 
to two, who if fate had not so 
ordained,! should have wished 
to call them brothers, Lieutenant Frank 
and Corporal Ray Pickell; also to a very, 
very young man, whose sole knowledge of 
war consists of slaying tin soldiers; and 
finally to a lieutenant in the United States 
Navy, homeward bound as a fellow trav- 
eler, to claim, in the wake of Peace, a 
beautiful southern bride. 



Twenty- four Days On a Troopship 

At Sea from June 23 to July 17 — A lady 
with a lorgnette, frantically rushed up and 
down the pier. She was shouting something 
to any of us who stood on the B deck of the 
Pesaro, but even those who understand 
Italian couldn't make out what she was 
saying. 

She wept. 

Then she screamed, and the pity of it is, 
I probably shall never know what she 
wanted, for we were leaving Genoa very, 
very slowly, as two tugs pulled us away 
from the docks. 

For three weeks I have waited for this 
boat to sail. Now we have actually put out 
to sea. There were many with red eyes, 
swollen from tears, among the passengers; 
though why anybody in the world should 
ever weep when they are bound for New 
York is beyond me. 

5 



6 Tir EN TY-FOU R DJYS 

About the first thing you do when you 
get on the boat is to "size up" the cabin in 
which you must sojourn for days to come. 
My impression is that I am getting less for 
more money than upon any other journey I 
have ever made, but I shall be alone. That 
is some compensation. 

It was common gossip just before we came 
on board that today the Germans will or 
will not sign Peace. The general impres- 
sion is that they will refuse. I have just 
made a wager with a Swiss that they will 
sign. If I win I'll have my incidental ex- 
penses paid for a long, hot trip. 

This Swiss tells me that there are thou- 
sands of Germans in his country and none 
of them ever admit that their army was 
defeated. Everywhere I have gone, I have 
heard that same thing. Most everyone with 
whom you come in contact seems to think 
the war was ended just about a month too 
soon. 

Personally, I take no stock in such ex- 
pressions. If there are any readers of this 
book who think that the German army was 
not decisively defeated in battle, beaten to 
a dead standstill and then flung irrevocably 
back, they are welcome to their delusions. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 7 

The same with the Germans, too. In a gen- 
eration or so the truth will begin to dawn 
upon them, if not sooner. 

I have seen thousands of cars, thousands 
of cannon, tons and tons of ammunition, 
and millions and millions of war equipment 
which the Germans surrendered after the 
signing of the armistice, all of it taken with- 
out the direct loss of a single life. If you 
think it would have been better to have sac- 
rificed thousands of our boys to have taken 
that stuff while driving the boches back, 
then you and I are traveling two different 
lines of thought, and I am going to stick to 
my route. 

But without Peace, we embark under war 
conditions. The police in Genoa gave me 
permission to leave the country, but before 
they would say "yes" or rather si, the Ameri- 
can embassy at Rome, and the Consul-Gen- 
eral at Genoa first gave their approval. 
Then there was the hustle for a ticket. The 
Lloyd Sabaudo transportation line officials 
were even more particular about my creden- 
tials than either the police or the official 
representatives of the United States. 

One lady from Atlanta who had been ma- 
rooned in Italy since the war began wanted 



8 TIF EX TY- FO U R D JY S 

to get back and she was telling an official 
her life history. He asked her where she 
was born and she replied, "I was born in 
Atlanta, Georgia, at four o'clock in the 
morning; but I don't know what date be- 
cause I was too young to remember." So 
far as I know she never told them. 

Embarking upon an Italian boat is like 
taking a train which never comes. We 
were told to be at the docks at nine o'clock 
Monday morning, this twenty-third day of 
roses in June. Many came. Old men, young 
men, Red Cross girls, women and children. 
The sun shone hot. The shed into which 
the tra\eling public was herded, waiting for 
the police, was covered with corrugated iron, 
which, instead of allowing the rays to come 
straight down and kill you, shattered and 
scattered them so that they hit you every- 
where and melted you. W'e thought surely 
that by two o'clock the police would come, 
as they had not shown up all morning. At 
2:30 we began to despair; at three we began 
to swear: but at 3:15 the iron gate was 
swung open and three hundred of us, half 
a dozen at a time, were admitted to Italian 
police headquarters. All the chivalry that 
I ever learned herding cattle in mv vouth. 



ON A T R () () P S HIP 9 

for we were kind to the calves, has been 
throttled after six months traveling in 
Europe. I can trample upon the necks of 
women and children with glee, and as for 
old ladies I simply eat them alive. So I was 
among the lirsl hundred to demonstrate that 
1 am a law-abiding American citizen en- 
titled to return home. 

What a wonderful opportunity the Ital- 
ians are losing when they fail to grant every 
reasonable comfort to traveling passengers. 
One's education has not begun until one has 
seen Italy, but people will travel here on 
other lines. "War" has been the excuse for 
so many things, during four and a half 
years, that officials seem to think they can 
pursue any sort of a course and justify it 
by saying, "This is war." It isn't. 

Our boat was scheduled to sail at four. 
At seven o'clock there were three blasts of 
the whistle, the gang plank was pulled, and 
then, just as we had started, the elderly 
lady whom I hrst mentioned tried to stop 
us with her wails. But as I write this we 
are sailing the blue Mediterranean bound for 
Marseilles, w^here we are to take on 1,200 
doughboys. There is a forty-five mile gale 
blowing now and the sea is very rough. In 



10 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

fact, I never imagined that the Mediter- 
ranean could act so ugly. Personally, I am 
not fond of tales of mal-de-mer, but really 
it is interesting to note the change which 
comes over some people when the sea gets 
rough. Faces which were rosy red, when 
the boat started, take on an ashen hue, and 
those who have set sail for America decide 
the country must be a terrible place, judg- 
ing from the first few hours of the journey. 
Really, if you can get them to talk you can 
learn some surprising things. 

There are just about two things worth 
while in life. Work and people. On a ship 
you get to know people. 

For a long Atlantic trip during June and 
July one wants a deck chair. There are 
none for rent upon the boat, so you have 
to buy a very flimsy aftair before you start 
for $3.00. The deck steward wrote my 
name upon the back of a tag and attached 
it to my chair. The tag is No. 297 and con- 
tains the following information: "Dampfer 
Moltke. Gutschein fiir getranke und cigar- 
ren." That looks like "German," which I 
would interpret to mean "Steamer Moltke. 
Check for drinks and cigars." Thus it would 
seem that this old steamer was formerly 



ON A TROOPSHIP 11 

owned by the Hamburg-American line. 
Signs such as "Zu den Badern," etc., are all 
about the ship. Such are the fortunes of 
war. 

Among the people one meets are those 
with varying names and missions. There is 
a very lovely woman with two little girls 
who sits at my table. She is going back to 
Texas, which she claims is a great big state. 
She married a Swiss but she maintains that 
she is an "American" because she was born 
there, no matter what the law says. A lank 
young fellow is on board representing Uncle 
Sam. It is his business to take care of any 
American soldiers who die on this trip. He 
is an embalmer. I sincerely hope he is idle 
all the way over. 

I talked for two hours tonight with an 
ex-Red Cross captain who has been working 
in Italy. The stories which he told me of 
profligate waste and mismanagement on the 
part of the Red Cross in Italy are appalling. 
I know from actual knowledge that the Red 
Cross there was known as the "Golden 
Goose" because of the absolute profligacy 
with which it did its work. 

The boat pitches! The decks are de- 
serted! 



CHAPrb:R II. 

This boat has a motion all its own. Tech- 
nically, 1 suppose it would be called "vibra- 
tion,"" but it seems a whole lot more than 
that. 1 endeavored to repose last night in 
my berth but sleep was impossible; so I tried 
the following- experiment in order to deter- 
mine accurately just how much motion the 
human body is to sustain during- this trip. 
The steward brought me three table forks. 
One I suspended from the berth above me 
until the prongs were within two and one- 
quarter inches of ni}^ abdomen ; then I took 
the other two and fastened them at each 
side of the l)erth so that the tines projected 
toward my sides, leaving exact!}- the same 
amount of space (two and one-quarter 
inches), between the forks and me. I then 
determined my bearings by locating the 
north star, took the readings of the Ther- 
mometer which stood at exactly lo Reau- 
mur. The aneroid barometer was "jj. With 
these facts before me, I calculated that the 
vibrations to which the human body was sub- 

12 



TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 13 

jected in the course of 6 hours amounted to 
exactly 63,300 inches, or just within five feet 
of a mile, if the vibration is maintained 
throughout our journey it will be compara- 
tively easy to determine just how far one 
travels "extra" and unpaid for. I am 'J^o'ing 
to turn over my data to the National Geo- 
graphical Society for comparison with the 
North Pole records of Mr. Cook. 

Land is in sight out of my port hole win- 
dow. 

Later: It is not land. Just rocks. The 
only possible purpose of these mountains is 
to keep the sea from overflowing France. 

We are now approaching the harbor of 
Marseilles. The city hovers about the base 
of the mountains. High up on a hill is a 
church 1,000 years old. Pious pilgrims from 
all over France visit it each year but I shall 
stick to the boat. We have just taken on 
the pilot. 

We are now passing into the harbor. Four 
tug boats have this ship in charge. They 
are swinging the boat around to dock at 
Number Ten. One can see very plainly the 
name of the dock. In large capital letters 
you distinguish "R A L P H". 

So this is my dock. I had much rather 



14 TWENTY-FOVR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

have a dock named after me than a cigar. 
I wonder if they know I am on this boat. 

An American colonel is standing on the 
pier and he is shouting at the pilot. ''Dock 
her on Number 4." "Dock her on Number 4." 
Finally, after much gesticulation, the pilot 
informs the colonel that he doesn't know 
where dock Number 4 is. The colonel shouts 
back: "The hell you don't. Follow my in- 
structions." 

I said he was an American colonel. But 
we docked at Number 10 anyway, for the 
wind is blowing so fiercely and the tide is 
running so high that we didn't dare go up 
stream any further. This means that tons 
and tons of stuff which were to be loaded on 
the boat at Number 4 must be moved by the 
Americans in motor lorries to Number 10. 
It means that we will be delayed, but one of 
the Italian officers in referring to it, said, 
*Tt doesn't matter. The Americans pay for 
it." 

There must be two hundred vessels of all 
kinds in the harbor and they are in "full 
dress." Flags of many colors and figures 
are flying. Someone says it means that the 
the Germans have agreed to sign peace. I 
mus4: hunt that Swiss. 



CHAPTER III. 

All yesterday afternoon the swinging 
cranes on the boats were working, loading 
on stuff for the soldiers to eat. There are 
bags and bags of radishes and lettuce, pota- 
toes, carrots, flour, and boxes and boxes of 
canned goods — jam, beans, beef, molasses, 
oleo, etc. If everything goes all right we 
will sail this evening at 6 o'clock. If not we 
will be delayed until morning, for boats do 
not leave the harbor at night for fear of 
striking floating mines. 

The dock at which we are anchored is 
about two miles long. It has been mostly 
constructed since the war began. There is 
a high wall at one side of it facing the Med- 
iterranean and you may walk along the top 
of the wall, the entire length. But the wind 
is blowing so savagely and the breeze from 
the sea is so cold that only a few of us have 
walked it. The dock presents an animated 
scene. There are scores of American sol- 
diers driving motor lorries up to our ship 
with the chow aforementioned. The lorries 

15 



16 TW EN TY-FO U R DAYS 

are unloaded by American negro soldiers, 
big husky fellows. 

One may make an interesting comparison 
because French Colonial soldiers from Mo- 
rocco rub elbows with our black boys, while 
guarding a lot of salvage consisting of old 
guns, helmets, discarded uniforms and a lot 
of other rubbish which it seems to me should 
be burned. 

The Africans are not so heavy set as our 
men. They are longer, leaner and as black 
as the blackest lamp black. Our darkest 
hues are like snow drops compared with the 
African Colonials. Both wear khaki, but the 
Moroccan boys wear red caps with tassels 
on them. I wonder what they think of each 
other. One speaks French and the other 
American. 

There is some good to come out of this 
war. Perhaps one of the most far reaching 
influences will be the broadened visions of 
thousands who have never seen much 
further than their home town. When I 
write of broadened vision I do not mean 
that it has come to the colored soldiers. My 
impression is that it would have been better 
if they had been left at home. Not but what 
some of them have justified the faith placed 



ON A TROOPSHIP 17 

in them as fighters, but the social conditions 
under which they have lived in Europe are 
not an augury of good, after they are re- 
turned home. 

An interesting scene has just been enacted 
which is voluble with promise and some- 
thing else. 

There are 1,500 pounds of bread to be 
loaded upon this boat, but the American offi- 
cers can find no suitable place to store it in 
the hold. They want to put it in the pantry 
but the captain is up-town and the cook will 
not allow it, and he holds the key. Work 
has been stopped on the pier for two hours, 
while the American officers wrangle with 
the Italian officers about where the bread is 
to be stored. Neither understand each 
other, so a civilian passenger is doing the 
interpreting. If they do not come to terms 
very soon, the boat can not sail today. The 
problem then is very simple. 

If we are delayed one day in starting, then 
1,500 pounds of bread will cost Uncle Sam 
three thousand dollars ($3,000). The offi- 
cers of the ship, who have no authority to 
act in the absence of the Captain, should 
worry. It's a good day's work if they can 
delay the boat for $3,000. Suppose you mul- 



18 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

tiply this sum several thousand times in the 
course of the months we have been in war, 
for we have paid our way, not only to trans- 
port and feed our army, but in charity repre- 
sented by the Red Cross and several other 
organizations. We have paid for every foot 
of ground we have used, for every stick of 
wood, for every foot of road ; paid in Ameri- 
can dollars which have been raised by taxes, 
bonds, and in respect to charity, by threats. 
No wonder the average American officer 
tells you he feels that the best thing we can 
do is to get back home and stay there. 

The probabilities are this boat will sail to- 
day, and we will save the $3,000 for Uncle 
Sam, but in hundreds of cases they have not 
sailed and we have paid the price. I write 
that I think we will sail because the Ameri- 
can Captain has just come on board. "To 
hell with these dagoes. Don't pay any more 
attention to them than if they were not here. 
Bust in the door of that pantry and put the 
bread in if they don't open it up." So the 
steam cranes are working again now and 
the boys will be marched on at 1:30 (per- 
haps). 

May I add by way of explanation that 
while the rugged Americanism exemplified 



ON A TROOPSHIP 19 

by the army captain always appeals to me, I 
am reporting it simply to show you in a very 
limited way what is happening over here. 
This is only one boat, and just a few soldiers 
can be transported upon it. Multiply this 
boat many hundred times, and these soldiers 
many thousand times and you will begin to 
appreciate the magnitude of the criss-cross 
problems which have prevailed in this war, 
and which have practically alienated one na- 
tion from another, so far as the soldiers are 
concerned. 

It was just three o'clock when a long line 
of khaki-clad men started up the gang-plank 
of the Pesaro. For nearly two miles they 
were strung out along the walk on top of 
the sea-wall, tired from a four-mile march 
over the dustiest roads in Christendom; each 
man bent beneath his load, for certainly he 
carried his physical limit. Some led dogs, 
another a goat, one carried a 6-foot fan, and 
it is practically certain that all had gathered 
in some souvenirs. At 4:35 every man (be- 
tween 1,200 and 1,300 of them) had gotten 
on board. The men had been checked off, 
had been bunked and so far as we could tell 
the boat was ready to shove off. That work 
was evidence of the best efficiency I have 



20 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

seen since I have been in Europe. There was 
no confusion, no waste of time. "Step 
lively" and "make her snappy" was the rule 
which was obeyed. 

As soon as the soldiers had gone down 
into the bowels of this boat, and had located 
the few square feet which had been allocated 
to each, they began to pile out again for 
fresh air. They were seen in the rigging, 
astride the beams, in fact, in every spot 
where it was safe or unsafe to be. 

Someone with a cornet began to play, 
"There are smiles" and five hundred voices 
took it up. There were magnified yells, 
much jesting and some scuffling. A sergeant 
blew a whistle and all came to attention. 

"Every man is responsible for his bunk 
which must be kept clean. No man will be 
allowed on deck unless he has his puttees 
and jacket on. The penalty will be severe 
for any who disobey this rule." 

So said the sergeant and then he added: 
"Supper at 7 o'clock"; that was followed by 
a loud chorus of yells. 

The tugs tugged while the whistles 
whistled for 6:30 o'clock; it was good-bye 
France, bound for Gibraltar. We were off. 



CHAPTER IV. 

There are two or three companies of negro 
troops on board. Some of the officers have 
good stories to tell about them. Each offi- 
cer usually tells about the same story, not 
knowing the other one has already related 
it, and one of them was to this effect: A 
colored soldier had been disobedient and the 
captain told him that it would be necessary 
to shoot him. So he sent him to his tent to 
get his revolver. The fellow went all right 
and returned with the weapon. The captain 
asked him how many cartridges there were 
in the gun. 

"Fo'r sir." Then, said the captain, "Do 
you think that will be enough to kill you?" 
"Yes, sir, yes, sir, Cap'n, cose if you miss me 
with the fust one you sho're aint gwine see 
no nigger for the second shot." 

There are a number of American officers, 
splendid looking fellows. There are excep- 
tions to all rules, but as a class I do not think 
the American officer measures up to the 
standard of either the English or the French. 

21 



22 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

There is a reason, of course. We are not a 
warring nation and our men have not been 
schooled for it. The English and the French 
officers are warriors, that's all, especially the 
English; but there is no better soldier walks 
in shoe leather than the American dough- 
boy. Believe me, the Yank is there when 
it comes to a fight. 

The inexperience of our officers cost many 
and many a life. With proper training they 
should be the best because they have the 
brains and ability; but you cannot turn out 
good officers by intensive training in three 
months' time. It is absurd to suppose it can 
be done. Of course, when there is a war and 
we have to fight we do the best wc can, but 
in a democracy like ours, every man, and 
every man's son, ought to know something 
about defensive w^arfare, and the only prac- 
tical method is universal training. We shall 
keep out of future wars if we keep strong 
enough to make it unprofitable for people 
to jump on us. 

There are more than fifteen hundred men, 
including the soldiers and crew in the hold 
of this ship. A great many of the soldiers 
are those who have been in hospitals or have 
been detained in workhouses for some vio- 



ON A TROOPSHIP 23 

lation of army rules, or have been absent 
without leave (A. W. O. L.)- Yet, there are 
many who wear wound stripes. They are 
not a typical American bunch by any means, 
but I have talked with many of them and 
they will all be bona fide Americans when 
they get home. They have had enough of 
"foreign" life and "foreign" ways. The 
United States will look better to them than 
it has ever looked before. 

I just saw a fight between a doughboy and 
a colored soldier. The negro bit the white 
boy very savagely on the neck and face. A 
couple of sergeants parted them, but the 
white swears vengeance on the black before 
the journey is ended. Probably nothing will 
be'done to discipline them because the oflEi- 
cers realize that they are now going home 
and the tension is great. It really is a won- 
der that more fights do not occur. 

One cannot tell from looking at the pas- 
sengers on this boat whether you are riding 
first, second or third class. Here is a poly- 
glot of most all the races under the sun. We 
civilians are on it by virtue of the authority 
of the American Naval Attache at Rome. 
He has allotted about 300 berths for civilians 
and they are all taken. We have the New 



24 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

York macaroni queen. She is a wizened old 
woman, with a parched sun brown skin, 
dressed in a lurid yellow costume. This is 
her tenth trip across the pond to Italy. She 
got caught there during the war and has not 
been able to get home. Now she is broke. 

There is a mother and daughter who have 
been in Italy for six years, the daughter hav- 
ing recovered during that time from incipi- 
ent consumption. They, too, are going 
home. 

We have a missionary widow en route 
from Persia. Her husband was killed just 
before she left by a Kurd who wanted to run 
off with their helper and the minister ob- 
jected. The poor woman is in tears most 
of the time. I mean the wife. 

I was just talking to the soldier on guard 
at the first-class entrance, near the stern of 
the boat. He lives in Illinois. I asked him 
what had been his most thrilling experience 
during his ten months in France. He then 
told me how it was his habitual custom to 
be broke long before pay day each month, 
his allotment being about ten dollars after 
his mother gets hers. ''When a guy can get 
a good hair cut and some big eats there ain't 
nothings better." That was his sole jov once 



ON A TROOPSHIP 25 

each month — a hair cut and something ex- 
tra to eat. Yet, most of us are dissatisfied. 
War meant nothing to him if he could have 
those two essentials every thirty days. 

A lieutenant has been trying to interest a 
Red Cross vs^orker in himself. 



CHAPTER V. 

Last night there was a semblance of a con- 
cert in the tirst-class music saloon. A lieu- 
tenant, a buck private and a Red Cross girl 
played the violin, cornet and piano, but the 
impromptu vocalization of the privates in 
the hold was much more inspiring. It 
seems strange that there is really no music 
on this boat. No orchestra of any kind. It 
is simply packed with all kinds of people 
huddled tosrether for from fifteen to twenty 
days or more, every one taking life most 
philosophically because most of us are going 
home. There really is no excuse for the lack 
of service, the absence of sanitation and 
most everything which could make a trip 
comfortable, except "war" and now the war 
is over. 

We have one very pretty lady. Everyone 
is attracted by her comeliness. Yesterday 
she was taking an afternoon constitutional 
on the promenade deck. You know the 
skirts are made rather short this year and 
hers is no exception. Along the rear seam 

26 



TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 27 

of her silk stocking a few threads had given 
away and the aperture was really noticeable, 
even to a novice like me. The lady occupy- 
ing the deck chair next to me called my at- 
tention to it, for anything on board this 
ship (which doesn't even furnish us with a 
few notes of news snatched from the air) is 
at once a matter of comment. The lady said, 
"Dear, dear, I hope she doesn't find it out 
until tonight. How embarrassing it would 
be to her now if she knew it." 

And yet we men oftentimes think we are 
responsible for the philosophy of "What 
they don't know, don't hurt 'em." 

This is certainly languorous weather. It 
is sticky hot. Off the port side is Spain, 
consisting of white chalky mountains and 
uninhabited hills. Some time today we 
should reach Gibraltar, where we take on 
coal. The steamer is rushing along at the 
rate of ten knots per hour. 

I went on deck a while ago and that poor 
missionary whose husband was killed sat 
there crying. One of the ladies asked me 
to go over and say something comforting to 
her. Should I or should I not? Those 
things are so hard. 



28TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

"Madam," said I, "since the Kurds beat 
the whey out of your husband wouldn't it 
be comforting if you could get a Cheese 
named after him?" 

Alas, I am often misunderstood ! 

For two days now the American officers 
who ride with us in the first class cabins 
have been fed on bully beef. And thereon 
hangs a happy tale. The lieutenant in 
charge of placing the supplies of food on the 
boat for officers and men wanted to be sure 
that the officers' food got on, so that came 
first. The result was that tons of stuft* were 
piled on top of it which has not yet been 
moved off, and the officers have threatened 
to mutiny. Tonight they got a better feed. 

Most of the doughboys who sprawl around 
on the decks, climb the rigging and get on 
and in everything that will hold them, have 
shed their khaki and today are donned in 
blue jeans. They certainly do not present 
that trim appearance we noticed when they 
marched up the pier to the boat. 

A captain is now a rival of the lieutenant. 



CHAPTER VI. 

The rock which made a life insurance com- 
pany famous towers above the sea directly 
in front of us. We have anchored in Gibral- 
tar Bay. Fifteen boats loaded with many 
men are plying- about and arc calling out in 
understandable English that they have lem- 
ons, figs, oranges, and strawberries for sale. 
They started to do a thriving business as 
the dough-boys ordered freely, lifting up 
their purchases by means of a string and a 
sack from the water below. However, the 
crafty fruit venders soon found it advisable 
to do a cash in advance business and trade 
slacked at once. 

The Port of Gibraltar is controlled by the 
British, Gibraltar is much more than a rock. 
It is a city and a fort ; a most interesting vil- 
lage, too, for there are a large number of 
(British) Indian stores, filled with goods of 
varied kinds and hues from the Orient. One 
may hire a carriage for a few shillings and 
drive on the mainland through the neutral 
gate into Spain, to the town of Linea. 

29 



so TfrEXTY-FOl'R DJYS 0\ A TROOPSHIP 

Linea is typically a Spanish city, consist- 
ing of one-story buildings painted and 
whitewashed a dazzling white. There is to 
be a bull fight in the city tomorrow and it 
it quite probable the bulk of our boat will go. 
Inasmuch as I have already witnessed one 
bull fight, I shall spend Sunday whiling away 
the wearisome hours in a more interesting 
and less gory fashion than by watching 
horses gutted by angry bulls. 

They are putting loads and loads of sand 
on this boat for ballast. I wonder why. 
Shipping space is valuable. We have not 
begun to coal. The officers will take the 
soldiers for a hike around Gibraltar tomor- 
row if they can find tugs to land them. We 
are four miles from shore. 



CHAPTER VTI. 

An army chaplain, l)etween puffs of a cig- 
arette, informed us soon after breakfast (?) 
that there would be services this morning. 
If those army fellc>ws will stop playing stud 
poker for a while he may get a crowd. There 
are some very pretty Red Cross girls on 
board, but unless a fellow is at least a major 
he doesn't have much of a show — except 
with one. She likes lieutenants and cap- 
tains. 



31 



CHAPTER VIII. 

At nine o'clock this morning about 400 
soldiers were taken off the boat on a tender 
and transferred to the parkway around Gib- 
raltar, where they proceeded to raise sweat 
and dust for two hours. They were closely 
guarded, but in spite of that two dropped 
out of the lines. 

Every vessel in the harbor, including two 
American men-of-war, are decorated with 
the colors of all the Allies and "associate." 
Last evening at about eight o'clock the guns 
on the heights of Gibraltar fired loi salutes 
and the fog horn on this old tub was turned 
loose for half an hour. We understand that 
it is on account of the signing of Peace. This 
is somewhat mystifying for when we left 
Marseilles five days ago the ships in the har- 
bor were decorated in a similar manner, as 
I have recounted. There must have been 
some delay, but we get no news on this boat 
and will get none until we reach America. 
We do not know when that will be. Some 

32 



TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 33 

coal was put on the boat today, the third 
day we have waited in Gibraltar Bay. 

The sig^ning of Peace afforded me a little 
extra cash on account of my wager which 
was not a bet, so I went ashore this morn- 
ing and chartered a boat for Africa tomor- 
row. I had to guarantee $420 for the trip. 
Two others were kind enough to join me in 
the enterprise. This evening I announced to 
the assembled diners at dinner time that one 
of our enterprising passengers (me) had 
chartered a boat and all those who desired 
might visit Tangier tomorrow, etc. 

I then went on to tell them how the fa- 
mous and intrepid Livingston had started 
his explorations at Tangier (which he never 
did) and I painted such a rosy picture of the 
beauties of a typically Moorish town that 
enough have volunteered at $5 per capita to 
much more than repay my guarantee. Thus 
I get another chapter and one more day will 
be lopped off this infernal waiting for coal. 

Gibraltar was certainly in festive form 
today. The whole village of ten thousand 
people was festooned with flags. Im- 
promptu marches were staged by the school 
children who carried tin pans for drums, 
and by the elders, many of whom carried an 



34 TWENTY-FOVR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

effervescing load, besides mounted cartoons 
of the ex-Kaiser. The same Holland visitor 
was strung up in effigy all over the city, and 
this morning the guns of the fort again fired 
loi times as a welcome to Peace. 

The city was really quaintly picturesque; 
(they say England wants to turn Gibraltar 
over to America). It is peopled largely by 
Spanish. The Spanish people love color, so 
they hung out their bed spreads, their red 
rugs and everything in the house that had 
color in it. There was also much lace flut- 
tering from the windows. 

Gibraltar has some very quaint little shops 
with East Indian salesmen and the crowd, 
which went over today, bought liberally. 

The Americans seem to think and act as 
if our country is going dry. 

This morning while the soldiers were 
parading one of our boys called out to an 
Englishman, "Hi say, Tommy, 'ave you 'ad 
your tea?" Quick as a flash the Tommy 
came back, "Yes, but you better 'ave your 
beer 'ere." Tomorrow Tangier. 

Both the captain and the lieufenant and 
the Red Cross srirl are going:. 



CHAPTER IX. 

Today at noon the coalers struck, and 
now it is rumored that we will have to re- 
main here in this harbor for another week. 
One can adjust one's self to almost any kind 
of circumstances but remaining for days in 
a harbor, with the hot sun pouring down 
upon you by day and the cabins like fur- 
naces by night, is not exactly my idea of a 
joy-life. 

I can read and I can write and I can con- 
verse and I can find a few unoccupied feet 
of deck to walk upon. That's all. In fact, 
we have all of the comforts here that one has 
in jail, except that w^e can get off the boat, 
on parole, and today we went to Tangiers, 
which is a part of this story. 

Entertainment is very remote on this boat. 
Nearly all the talkers are now telling their 
stories for the tenth time and there seems 
to be nothing new under the sun. For in- 
stance, a very charming young lady said to 
me the other morning at breakfast ( ?) : 

35 



36 TWENTY- FOUR DAYS 

"What hand do you use to stir your coffee?" 
and I innocently repHed, "Usually my 
right." 

Whereupon she suggested that I ought to 
use my spoon. I waited two days and then 
I said to her mother in the presence of the 
daughter. "Mrs. X, there are some scandal- 
ous stories going the rounds of this boat 
about your daughter and personally I have 
some reason to believe they are true." The 
mother was horrified and the daughter was 
mystified and when they asked me what I 
had heard. I told them to lean over closer so 
no one would hear, (Mother and daughter 
very much interested with pained expres- 
sions on their faces.) "I am told (I said in 
a very loud whisper so every one at the table 
could hear) that since we left Genoa (O 
madam, spare me, I must not repeat idle 
gossip). ("Go on, go on," they cried.) 
"Well, I am told very confidentially that 
since we left Genoa (sob) there have been 
two be(i)rths in your cabin." (Mother wild 
and daughter outraged. Called me a "nasty 
thing.") 

So we went to Tangier, Africa, a city of 
the Moors. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 37 

I have already told you how we came to 
charter the boat. At half past eight this 
morning a large steam tug pulled up along- 
side this Pesaro ship and its "business man- 
ager" proceeded to do business with me. I 
handed him a long list of names of those 
who had promised to go to Tangier. Instead 
of furnishing tickets or remaining on the 
gangway of his boat, he insisted upon stay- 
ing in the comfortable reading room of this 
floating ship to collect the money. He never 
even made a record of the first forty or fifty 
dollars he took in. The result was that when 
every one in sight had paid, he had about 
half enough money. I was mystified. Had 
all my friends backed out? Was I stuck? 
We went down to the boat and took a look. 
It was loaded full. Then the process of 
weeding out those who had paid and those 
who had not paid was begun. 

Our departure was delayed one hour, but 
finally we were off with 120 on board, 12 of 
whom never paid upon advice from me. That 
number should have represented a profit to 
me above my guarantee but not having a 
written contract with the company, its 
agent insisted on keeping all the money. I 
didn't care because my salary goes on just 



38 TfFENTY-FOUR DAYS 

the same whether I work or not. I am not 
trying to make money, but if the thing had 
gone the other way I would have been finan- 
cially bumped. 

I asked the Chief Steward last night to 
put up a lunch for eighty people, suggesting 
that as we would be away today, and the 
boat would profit from it; that the least he 
could do was to concoct some sandwiches. 
He was very glad to do it, but this morning 
when he delivered the lunch he wanted to 
collect $80. I told him he was laboring un- 
der a delusion; that it was not my business 
to feed the passengers on the boat and then 
he told me in Italian what he thought of me. 
I reciprocated in American, with the sug- 
gestion that he keep the sandwiches and 
feed them to the fishes; but he relented and 
put them on the boat — they were much en- 
joyed. 

It is a three hour trip to Tangier across 
the Strait of Gibraltar (where many a ship 
has gone down during this war). If it is as 
rough as it was yesterday it takes four hours. 
For several miles we sailed close to the Span- 
ish coast. Here and there one could see on 
a mountain top the remains of old Moor ob- 
servation towers. Washington Irving and 



ON A TROO PSHIP 39 

the Conquest of Granada became more clear. 
The desert coasts seemed deserted. Hardly 
a living thing was to be seen, either of plant 
or animal life. Once we did spy a mule 
caravan along the beach but it was so far 
away many thought the mules were camels. 
Just before we struck directly across the 
Strait we got a good view of the ancient 
and walled city of Tarifa on the Spanish 
coast. Then we went for Africa. 

There is no harbor at Tangier, so our little 
boat had to anchor in a very rough sea about 
a mile from shore. ]\Ioors, dressed in tu- 
nics or baggy pajamas with big broad red 
belts, red turban caps and kimona shirts, 
swarmed about the boat begging for the op- 
portunity to take us ashore. Many of them 
were very bright looking fellows and cer- 
tainly they are linguists, for some of them 
spoke English, French, Italian, German, and 
Spanish. The African zone which we visited 
is controlled by France. 

Tangier, a Moorish city whose buildings 
date back to the beginning of the Christian 
era, is located on the shores of the Atlantic 
where one may repose on the summit of some 
lofty hills, almost mountains, and watch the 
caravans of the sea pass into the Strait, con- 



40 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

necting the Mediterranean with the Atlan- 
tic, which at the narrowest point is about 
twelve miles wide. 

Thus our first view of Tangier presented 
a very white stone city to us; the buildings 
roofed with tile and with streaks of blue in 
the white paint that might have been put 
there to match the sea. 

It was a striking picture even if we did 
approach it in a boat which threatened to 
capsize every minute as it was greatly over- 
loaded, and the waves rocked resentfully. 

We were finally landed at a dilapidated 
dock and proceeded up a steep slope to the 
city. Tradesmen swarmed around us by 
the hundred, speaking the Moorish or Arab- 
ian language, punctuated with what little 
English and other languages the barterers 
knew. 

Having traveled a few places in my time, 
I was forewarned by intuition that if I 
wanted to really see the sights nothing could 
be of more service than two good-looking 
American women. I therefore gallantly of- 
fered to escort the best looking couple on 
the boat, one a married lady of 44 ( ?) years, 
but looking chic and much younger, and a 
beautiful girl of 22. 



ON A TROO PSHIP 41 

Being wise as well as beautiful, they read- 
ily accepted my gallant proffer and we were 
off. As the hills on which the town of Tan- 
gier was built are very steep and the streets 
very narrow, I hired three donkeys and a 
guide. The girl was a good rider but the 
married lady shied at the donkey and pro- 
tested, but in vain. Amid many screams we 
deposited her on the patient little animal, 
which she declared she could never ride, and 
set off up narrow streets filled with shops 
and dervishes and madly talking people. 

To get ahead of my story this same lady 
declared, when we returned to the boat that 
henceforth she would take to donkey riding; 
that she never had enjoyed herself so much 
in her life. Dear little donkies, how do they 
do it? 

For an hour we rode in narrow lanes of 
brilliant morning glories and pungent gera- 
niums. We stopped once to visit a Moorish 
castle which was built in the year 300, ac- 
cording to Mahomet calculations. I shall 
not describe the castle except you must re- 
member that Moorish architecture is char- 
acterized by perfect squares, serrated with 
pointed projections, and domes. It is simple 
and to my mind exceedingly beautiful. 



42 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

Now I am about to record one of the most 
remarkable experiences of my life and one 
which is not likely ever to be duplicated. I 
had always had a lurking desire to see the 
interior of a harem. My companions felt 
the same way, so I insisted that the guide 
take me to one. Protesting much, he led us 
to the Governor's Palace. We proceeded 
along very narrow, ill-smelling streets, up 
steep hills, down precipitous alleys and up 
again, to see on the summit of the hill a per- 
fectly square and very white building. There 
were streaks of pink in the paint — just as if 
geraniums had been smeared into it. There 
was a roof garden on top and an enormous 
knocker on the door. I wanted that 
knocker. I tapped it loudly twice. 

While waiting for an answer the guide 
told me that if I saw the wives or associates 
of the Governor, the penalty for me was 
death. 

We had passed many women on the 
streets whose faces were entirely shrouded. 
One could just see their eyes and sometimes 
their noses. Finally a very black maid came 
to the door and I indicated, not speaking 
Moorish, that we wished to enter, at the 
same time slipping her a very silver dollar. 



ON /I TROOPSHIP 43 

She disappeared but came back in about five 
minutes and invited the ladies to enter, but 
not me. 

Making a show of gallantry as if it didn't 
matter about me, the ladies then went in. 
Now I will say that they did not at first ap- 
preciate what I had led them into; but they 
went joyfully in and the old Governor or 
Bey, who was stretched out upon the floor, 
rose to greet them. They didn't recognize 
him, as they thought he was simply a 
servant. 

In the meantime I was waiting at the door 
in a broiling hot sun as the sea breeze didn't 
strike us on that side of the house. Soon a 
handsome boy about twelve years of age 
came up the steps and as he passed I handed 
the amazed youngster another very shiny 
dollar. He left me outside wondering what 
the inside of a harem was like. I even went 
so far as to go up to the door and try to peer 
through the stained glass but a very black 
girl dressed in very large ear rings came over 
and locked the door. Seconds passed and 
the ladies did not return. Minutes seemed 
merging into hours. I found out afterwards 
that they both talked French and through 
the boy who had gone in with my dollar, had 



44 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

learned that the fat old man reposing on a 
divan was the Bey of Tangier, so they made 
amends in a most gracious manner, mean- 
while taking in the harem and some twenty- 
two respective brides of many ages, hues and 
sizes. 

All this time those silver dollars had been 
working an alchemic change in the hearts 
of the recipients. Perhaps there were many 
more servants and probably they wanted 
some dollars, too? At any rate, the colored 
dame returned to announce that the "Senor" 
might enter. 

Let me begin again, for this is interesting. 

I approached the house between high 
stone walls whitewashed or painted very 
white. The house was square, and all around 
the roof were small spires about a foot high, 
shaped like wedges. The first door I came 
to was a very heavy steel one (it might have 
been bronze) on which was located the fme 
old knocker. I had passed through this door 
and entered a hall in which there were mat- 
ted Moor cushions, if I had wished to sit 
down. At the end of the hall was the door 
with stained glass through which I had tried 
to look. Now it was open and I might enter. 



ON A TROO P SHIP 45 

Me, in a harem — twenty-two wives — 
somewhere — the sun — shining through — 
something — which gave forth — weird Hghts 
— of rainbow colors — Africa — Tangier — a 
harem — a harem — a harem. 

Soon, however, the house settled. It 
stopped rocking. I looked down. My feet 
stood upon mosaic work. My knees trem- 
bled. My eyes looked up to see that directly 
above us there was what we would call a 
sky light, but the light which came through 
it was diffused. Thus I had visions of rain- 
bows. On the second floor was a square bal- 
cony, with small marble pillars. Looked 
much like the box arrangement of a theatre. 
Directly in front of me was a magnificent 
Persian rug, the kind you dream about. 
Over against the wall was a long mat about 
a foot from the floor. The mat rested on 
cushions which were very soft. (I got a 
chance to feel them.) The mat was covered 
with an oriental piece of some kind. On that 
mat reposed the Bey. AVhen the old gentle- 
man saw me he must have felt that two kin- 
dred souls had met. He arose, stretched out 
his hand and I grasped it, at the same time 
assuring him that it was all my pleasure. 
He couldn't understand me except that there 



46 TWENTY-FOUR DJYS 

must have been a light in my face which was 
eloquent. Anyway, in very good Moorish, 
he reciprocated. He then invited me to be 
seated, which I didn't. I simply stood and 
gazed about. To my left was a bed chamber, 
with no door to obscure my vision. Two 
square pillars with an arch connecting them 
formed the entrance. A small rug lay at the 
portal and directly at the back of the rug 
was more matting on cushions against the 
side of the wall. A step forward and a crane 
of the neck revealed the same arrangement 
around the whole room. There were sleep- 
ing quarters for seven of the twenty-two in 
that place, providing the two which slept at 
the ends were not over five feet two, and he 
had them all sizes. 

On my right was another bedroom where 
the servants of color reposed. I was not 
interested. A little sideways and backward 
was an open space on the mosaic floor on 
which was displayed all sorts of beautiful 
brasserie as if it had been arranged for sale. 
There were instruments for making tea, cof- 
fee and for cooking. A door was thrown 
open, revealing what we would call a pantry, 
very small with no window in it. That was 
the kitchen. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 47 

I glanced at the marble stairway and 
something said to me as something does 
sometimes : 

"My boy, lift up your eyes; come up 
higher." Clearly it was an inspiration. I 
gazed at the Governor, who was now 
stretched out in not too graceful a fashion 
upon the matting and cushions which I 
should call a divan. His skin was a swarthy 
dark color; he was fat; fit to kill; he wore a 
tunic and a red sash, but his slippers, in ac- 
cordance with the oriental custom, had been 
removed. His feet were large and his Van 
Dyke beard was black. He had a moustache 
to match. I concede that I should not have 
been his equal in a physical contest unless 
I had caught him off his guard. Again with 
that mystical spiritualism which pervades 
some of us, he read in my face the call which 
I had had a few minutes before, and with a 
wave of the hand denoting authority bade 
me to go up the marble stairway. So I went. 
Half way up, the stairs circled around, and 
right at the circle there was an old Moorish 
clock, one of the kind grandfather used to 
talk about, only it was much different. Per- 
haps you have seen the inlaid Moorish flint 
lock guns. That's what the clock was. Its 



48 T W EN TY-FOU R DAYS 

chimes were like a juicy beefsteak; they 
were so tender. At the top of the stairs, I 
noticed for the first time, hanging from the 
center of the glass roof, a marvelous cut 
glass chandelier. I walked around the bal- 
cony, looking down at the old fellow below, 
but he didn't look up, so quickly had I gained 
his complete confidence. Then I peered into 
a room which was a vision. 

It was about eight feet wide and twenty- 
five feet long. From the center hung an- 
other cut glass chandelier. On the floor 
were beautiful rugs, and on the walls hand- 
some tapestries. There were divans along 
the walls for seven persons but none at the 
ends of the room, for at both ends of the 
place, which had no windows in it, there 
were couches of repose. It would be wicked 
to call them beds, for they were not. The one 
on the right was raised four feet from the 
floor. The first layer was springs, very 
heavy yet resilient springs. On the springs 
was a mattress made of the down of many 
ducks, verv soft. The mattress was covered 
with something that felt like it was felt. I 
can't name it. It was cool to the touch. 
Over this was a pale blue silken sheet. The 
sheet was followed by a pink one of the same 



() N .1 V R () () r s II I r 40 

material and (lirii over (liat was another 
silken coverlet on which a liviiij; likeness of 
some patron saint oi the Moors had heen 
worked, prohahly Mahomet. The pillow 
was one piece, ahsolnlely ronnd. 'I'hat 
really looked uncomfortahle. In liont of the 
hed were heavy pnr|)le cnrtains which conld 
be drawn hnt now they were parted and a 
silken mosciuito nettinj^ proteclt-d the edi- 
fice from my irreverent ^aze (after I had 
made my invest ij^at ions ). 

1 will not attempt a description of the 
other downy divan because it was much like 
its twin. There was a real biu'eau into which 
1 did not look hnt on its marble top were 
several Moor turbans and a j)air of ear rinj^s 
with emeralds in them as bi^ as cats eyes. 

The ladies 'i? Shucks! 1 didn't see them. 
I'm too young to die. Besides, one Ameri- 
can }4irl is worth a million times more than 
every oriental dame from the C:i\)c of (Jood 
Iloi)e to the Mediterranean Sea. 

A little way outside of the harem we 
passed a house where the blinds were partly 
down. At the front door some woman was 
wailinj^- and kissing the door. Tt was pa- 
thetic in the extreme. We glanced through 
an open window to see a cofBn in the room. 



50 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

Soon a Moorish funeral was wending its way 
through the town, the casket carried upon 
the shoulders of the bearers. Mourners in 
white robes followed, chanting some weird 
music and jangling cymbals and tamborines. 
The people stood at salute with hats off 
when the cavalcade passed. 

Our donkeys rounded the corner of a nar- 
row street and we came face to face with 
one of the weirdest blackest figures I have 
ever seen. He was dressed in many span- 
gles, beads and bells. In his hand the old 
fellow held cymbals which he beat together 
and when he did one of his entertaining 
stunts he made many funny grimaces with 
his face and all its appendages. His danc- 
ing, his facial expressions, his blackness, his 
noise, struck a responsive chord !n my mem- 
ory which startled me. And then I remem- 
bered having seen him at the exposition in 
St. Louis about sixteen years ago. 

This was Tangier, Africa. What a world! 
I confirmed my conviction for the old fellow 
spoke very good English. We shook hands 
as old friends. 

But back we must go to our boat. The 
Moors got us in a launch in one of the chop- 
piest seas I have ever been on and then 



ON A TROOPSHIP 51 

stopped still for ten minutes until they had 
collected some extra fares. Just about the 
time some of the American officers had de- 
cided to throw them over board they started 
the boat and back we came rolling merrily 
to the Pesaro. 

I cannot report upon progress of our he- 
roes and heroine. I was busy. 



CHAPTER X. 

Yesterday they put on a little coal but the 
heavers struck again at noon and we are still 
without enough coal to carry us to the 
Azores. There are all sorts of rumors fly- 
ing about. Some say the Bolshevikis have 
it in for us because this is a German boat. 
Others say there is trouble between the Ital- 
ians and the English. We passengers only 
know that we are laying here in this harbor 
when we ought to be on our way home. The 
dough-boys are getting very restless. There 
have been a few fights. "Take us home or 
land us," they say. The American officers 
on board may get busy. 

A petty officer on this liner had an argu- 
ment yesterday with one of our boys. He 
drew a knife but didn't get to use it. He 
ought to recover in six months if he receives 
the proper kind of medical attention. 



52 



CHAPTER XL 

Knowing that we are doomed to remain 
here for another twenty-four hours as the 
bolshies are coaHng again, I chartered a 
small launch for four of us to be here at the 
Pesaro this morning at 9:30, to take us to 
Algeciras, Spain. My boat failed to show 
up at the appointed hour but another, which 
an American officer had ordered, did come, 
and I mistook it for mine. So we four 
boarded it and shoved off amidst much 
shouting by the dough-boys who have noth- 
ing else to do but poke fun at those of us 
who can leave the boat. We were not more 
than ten feet away from the Pesaro when the 
officer came running down the steps in a very 
threatening manner and shouted to me to 
"Bring back that boat, bring it back I say," 
at the same time shaking both fists at me. 

He gave me the first good opening I have 
ever had, and I surely took advantage of 
it for in the purest of English I shouted back 
at the top of my voice, "Go to hell, will you.'* 
He must have been very popular with the 

63 



54 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

boys, judging from the cheers which I heard. 
I meant no disrespect whatsoever to the 
American officer, but I did mean most 
vehemently that if he thought he could 
"order" me to obey him he had another 
think coming. If he had spoken respect- 
fully, as one American to another, he prob- 
ably would have had his boat back and I 
might not have seen Algeciras. But this 
damn-you business doesn't go with me, for 
I, too, am a fighter. 

Algeciras is another typical Spanish vil- 
lage located on the sea. The ladies have 
not adopted the Parisian fashion so we 
found them wearing the veils or mantillas 
with very high tortoise shell combs in their 
hair, — an ancient and I hope honored cus- 
tom. 

There is one place really worth seeing. 
That is the hotel Reina Christina in which 
the famous Algeciras conference was held 
between the French and the Germans when 
they had some trouble a few years ago, 
which threatened to precipitate a European 
war. The Reina Christina hostelry ought 
to be renowned the world around. The 
building itself — of the true Spanish type — is 



ON A TROO PSHIP 55 

a dream. And it is simply inundated with 
bowers of multi-tinted flowers. 

There is a rumor abroad that we are to 
leave tomorrow. This boat is controlled by 
the Admiralty at London through our own 
Navy representative who is located at Gib- 
raltar. Specific orders were issued yester- 
day for the boat to proceed but the Italian 
captain disobeyed them. We were ordered 
to proceed to the Azores and coal, but if we 
had done that the Lloyd Sabaudo line would 
have lost its commission on the profits of 
the sale of the coal which we are supposed 
to take on here, as the U. S. has its own coal 
at the Azores. So we are still here. But 
not for long. 



CHAPTER XII. 

This boat will sail when the captain gets 
ready. He has had orders from the Naval 
officials of the American Admiralty but we 
are still here. Outside, as I write, I can hear 
a hundred chattering, swearing, screeching 
men who are pouring coal or rather coal 
dust into the hold of this vessel. They are 
dumping it in by the bushel basket full. It 
seems rather an endless task to fill up the 
coal bunks by that process, but they have 
systematized their method of working and 
really the baskets are emptied with despatch. 
Almost a week in port, waiting and wonder- 
ing and writing. 

And this is our glorious day of Indepen- 
dence, the Fourth of July! 

If we do not sail this evening a number 
of us will celebrate upon the battleship 
Pittsburgh which is anchored here. If we 
do sail, then that will be celebration enough. 
There is to be an American baseball game at 
Gibraltar this afternoon, so that means we 
will not raise the anchor until six o'clock 

56 



TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 57 

anyway. Meanwhile rumors are afloat that 
some one may try to do to this old German 
ship what was done to the interned fleet at 
Scapa Flow. The few women who are on 
board are petulant and hysterical. Such 
rumors affect them temperamentally. We 
are practically out of touch with the world. 
There is very little news of any kind and 
none from America. There are some old 
English papers for sale in Gibraltar, but I 
could have bought the same issues in Genoa 
before I left, June 23. Eleven days from 
Genoa to Gibraltar via Marseilles, which is 
a good 48 hours' run. 

It might be much worse. There are some 
very pleasant people on board. The food is 
better than when we first started. We have 
been able to get to land most every day for 
a few hours. A Lieutenant of the U. S. 
Navy here at Gibraltar received orders to 
return home and as there was no cabin for 
him I have shared mine which really for me 
is a delightful privilege. I should like to 
name this splendid American youth but 
some of the things which I have already 
written, and others which I shall write, have 
been told to me by him so it is obvious that 
my informer must travel incognito with the 



5S Tff'E\TY-FOVR DAYS 

readers of this book. As a writer I too often 
tind this must be the case : to many splendid 
men and women am I indebted for informa- 
tion which you read, and yet I must pay 
them only a silent tribute. 

We did not get ott today, so this has been 
a glorious Fourth. At noon the sea became 
so rough that it was necessary to stop coal- 
ing or the barges would have been swamped. 
The waves were leaping so high and so wild 
that the regular launch which runs between 
the Fesaro and the shore did not come out. 
llowc\er. 500 dough-boys went ashore this 
morning because a ball game was to be 
played this afternoon between the soldiers 
and the blue jackets from the Pittsburgh. 

My bunk mate, the Xaval otncial. ottered 
to take a few of us on shore in his navy 
launch. \\"e eagerly accepted. The water 
leaped over the boat just as if we had been 
riding on a raft. A shore trip which should 
take only thirty minutes consumed one hour 
and fifteen mimites. \\ were thoroughly 
drenched but on shore the hot sim and wind 
soon dried us out and we were ready for the 
ball game. 

About 1. 000 Americans, a doren or two oi 
us being civilians, gathered in a ball park. 



ON A T R.O O P S HI P 59 

while, between tunes by the Marine band, 
eight innings of fairly good baseball were 
played, the Navy winning by a score of 5 
to I. The dough-boys had had no chance 
to practice and they were hardly a match 
for the elongated fireman hurler from the 
Pittsburgh. The repartee was most inter- 
esting. 

One dough-boy was hit with a foul ball 
and immediately a hundred men yelled, 
"Give him a wound stripe." When they en- 
couraged their pitcher they called out, 
"Come on buddie, you know we get salmon 
salad tonight." 

Another, reflecting the feeling of us all 
said, "Take your time, buddie, take your 
time, we'll be here for a week yet." 

There were two umpires, one for the Navy 
and the other for the Army. Whenever 
there was a close decision the Navy man al- 
ways favored the Army and the Army man 
always favored the Navy so we had the par- 
adoxical situation of the Navy roasting its 
own umpire and the Army doing likewise. 
It was thoroughly an American outing and 
was the most unique Fourth of July I have 
ever spent, but the best was yet to come. 



60 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

We boarded the Pittsburgh about 6 o'clock 
and we left at midnight on the Admiral's 
launch for the Pesaro. In the meantime we 
had enjoyed a real American meal with tur- 
key and gravy and all the ''trimmings." I 
say it was real American for it was the first 
one I had attended in six months where no 
wines have been served. 

The Pittsburgh is a very luxurious battle- 
ship, more fitted for cruising than for fight- 
ing. In fact that is about all it is good for as 
its guns are not heavy enough to afford it 
much protection in case of a fight with a real 
man-of-war and its speed is not great enough 
to enable it to get away from a swift fighter. 
But as an Admiral's boat it is a beautiful 
hotel, as spotlessly clean as anything you 
can possibly imagine. After the most deli- 
cious dinner had been served, and cigarettes 
had gone the rounds, the table was taken 
out of the mess room, the Victrola turned 
on and the ladies and officers danced. I 
think the officers were the handsomest and 
altogether the finest set of men I have ever 
seen on a battleship. Very keen, delightful- 
ly American, and reserved until they got ac- 
quainted. It took half an hour for the stiff- 



ON A TROO PS HI P 61 

ness to wear off but when it did conversa- 
tion began to flow and the fun was on. 

There was an excellent moving picture 
show but the pictures were not so attractive 
as the men who watched it. I suppose 500 
or 600 blue jackets dressed in spotless white 
were on the decks. The big guns had been 
swung to port and starboard so that a can- 
vas could be stretched, and Julian Eltinge 
went through several of his clever womanly 
stunts, much to the delight of the officers 
and men. Admiral and Mrs. Grant honored 
us with their presence. Between each reel 
the band played American airs. With the 
heavens for a canvas, the stars for light and 
the water for a setting the picture was beau- 
tiful and truly inspiring. I promised to send 
the men copies of the books I have written 
and this one too, which I hope finds them 
somewhere on the high seas, and conveys 
to them my deepest appreciation for a most 
delightful experience. It was a perfectly 
sane, grand, glorious Fourth. 



CHAPTER XIL 

The dough-boys are now coaHng this ship 
so it seems that we might get away tonight. 
Only a few of them can be used at a time 
and they are volunteers. It is surprising to 
see how many of the colored fellows took 
the dirty dusty job and it was most amusing 
to watch them. They soon began to yell at 
the Spanish who remained on the barges to 
help them and they sent the baskets up so 
fast that the "Wops," as they call them, 
could not handle the coal. Some fellow in 
the hold stuck his head out of a port hole 
and gesticulated wildly in protestation but 
the darkies kept singing ''step lively" and 
injected into the conversation every French 
word or phrase they have picked up, 
whether it suited the action or not. It cer- 
tainly was highly amusing as well as coal- 
ing. The intrepid foreigner who stuck his 
head out of a port hole was carried away in 
a launch. He will probably awake on the 
Sabbath day in a very sore state of mind and 

62 



TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 63 

skull, for a well directed chunk of coal si- 
lenced him and his protesting song. 

After we had hung here for three days 
there was much blustery talk in the charac- 
teristic American fashion about starting this 
boat and I put some faith in it. It sounded 
splendid and when it was learned that the 
Americans had taken charge of things a 
cheer went up from all over the boat. I am 
afraid, however, that the actual results rep- 
resent what has transpired over here a great 
many times since the war began. 

We've done a lot of swearing and bluster- 
ing but the Europeans have taken their own 
blessed time, and they have done things in 
their own way. 

The only thing we hear now is that when 
this boat reaches New York the whole Ital- 
ian crew from the captain down will be ar- 
rested. 

If you read this story as I intend it to be 
read, being a narrative of many details, you 
will or should appreciate what it means to 
wage war 3,000 miles away. You will also 
appreciate, I think, why I return home feel- 
ing that I am not leaving one friendly Gov- 
ernment or press behind. If I had my way 
about it I should call the dough-boys to- 



64 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

gether, organize an expedition and throw 
every member of the crew into the sea and 
then start home. There are plenty of naval 
men on this boat who know how to run a 
ship. We would precipitate international 
complications but they are already started 
anyway so we better get home. Besides, 
there has already been some blood shed, and 
the members of the crew who are selling 
cognac to our boys surreptitiously have been 
responsible for it. 

It is now past eleven o'clock at night and 
the dough-boys are still coaling so that we 
will be off early tomorrow morning. (Sun- 
day.) This has put a great deal of natural 
and artificial spirits into the crowd. The 
soldiers are celebrating. A splendid cornet- 
ist is sitting in the rigging playing merry 
tunes and the boys are singing. A big black 
Negro was hauled up from the hold and he 
did a buck and wing dance which caught the 
fancy of the crowd, as a thousand or more of 
us were gathered astern to listen. 

Then there occurred one of the funniest 
incidents I have ever witnessed in my life. 
Imagine all of us assembled with nothing in 
particular to do. We wanted entertainment 
but there seemed to be no one to entertain. 



ON J TROO PS HI P 65 

The singing of the soldiers was fine, if not 
altogether harmonious, but something was 
needed to explode the pent up passions of a 
week of watchful waiting. 

Finally some of the soldiers began to yell 
for "Murphy," "Where's Pat?" "Come on, 
Murphy," etc. Eventually a coal begrimed 
soldier appeared. He was so deeply covered 
with the dirt that many thought he was a 
Negro. It was plain to be seen that when he 
entered a little circle, which the soldiers 
made for him, that he was under the influ- 
ence of liquor. 

He politely bowed, doffing his service cap, 
at the same time lurching a little to the port 
side. Suddenly as if by inspiration half a 
hundred called out, "Murphy, Murphy, when 
are we going home?" Murphy straightened 
up and saluted his numerous interrogators, 
and then in a voice which could be heard all 
over the ship, replied: 

"When (head bobbed) we (hie) get a fav- 
vor-rable wind." 

Nobody on the footstool but an Irishman 
possesses such wit as that. Dear old Mur- 
phy then bowed repeatedly to his yelling, 
cheering admirers and to cap the climax 



66 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

took his identification tag from around 
his neck and thrust it in his eye, like a mon- 
ocle. I shall never be sorry that Murphy 
had had too much to drink. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

I was on deck early this morning, perhaps 
about five o'clock. The sun was just creep- 
ing over Gibraltar and the coast of Spain 
seemed slipping away. It was a fact. At 
last we were bound for New York. Within 
the Strait one could count several ocean 
steamers. The African coast seemed so near 
you could almost reach out and touch it. 
There were no clouds above the mountains 
so that you could see an African village 
many, many miles away. Just as we swung 
our prow toward the Atlantic the bright 
morning sun struck the ocean mists in front 
of us and a rainbow flared in arched triumph 
before us. A good omen of the sea. 

I was asked to say something in behalf of 
the two hundred soldiers who had coaled the 
ship. 

Ladies and Gentlemen: Permit me to an- 
nounce that after a fitful week of medita- 
tion, agitation and villification we are now 
upon the high seas, bound for New York. 
(Cheers.) We are not sailing today by vir- 

67 



68 ' TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

tue of the fact that we have purchased tick- 
ets which entitle us to passage, but we are 
sailing because the American dough-boys 
have put into the bunkers the coal that 
makes the steam, that makes the wheels go 
round. (Long and continued applause.) 
Now I am told that many of those gallant 
men have wives and children in the States. 
I am also informed that the same fate awaits 
most of the rest of the others upon our hap- 
py return. Therefore, if you agree with me 
that these men have done a handsome thing 
(handsome borrowed from President Wil- 
son) for us will you join me in making a 
very modest contribution, to purchase each 
of them an extra package of cigarettes. 
(Cries of yes, yes.) Since I apprehend that 
this request strikes a responsive chord in 
your hearts please be kind enough to hand 
your contributions to my esteemed friend 
the Y. M. C. A. Secretary, that one with a 
lean and hungry look."' (Laughter and ap- 
plause.) 

There wxre two hundred of our boys who 
helped to coal this ship without one cent of 
pay. In fact the company which furnished 
the coal collects for the labor of our men. 
They tried and did put it over on them by 
saying that ''two more barges'' were to be 
loaded. But before those were finished oth- 
ers were brought up. Then the boys were 



ON A TROOPSHIP 69 

told that 80 baskets from those barges must 
go on. When the eighty had been loaded 
they were told that 50 more were needed to 
trim the ship, and so on. 

About two o'clock this morning they 
passed around the word that they would put 
on just a certain number more and then 
"this ship will sail," with emphasis. It did. 
And it makes one almost shudder to think 
what would have happened if it had not. 

This is what our army has been up against 
ever since it came across. We Americans 
do not understand foreigners and certainly 
they do not understand us. We've simply 
got to start in getting acquainted with the 
world and getting the world acquainted 
with us. In the meantime we must main- 
tain an Army and a Navy which will protect 
our country. We must rely upon our own 
strength. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

The fourteenth day dawned, with a roll 
which is discomforting to many unfortu- 
nates. Those who have not settled up have 
settled down, so that the few of us who are 
not disturbed by the rhythmic roll of the 
cradle of the deep have the promenade deck 
to ourselves, which is our compensation. 
Nothing of interest happened yesterday ex- 
cept an incident which has been much talked 
about. This ship ought to be renamed. Call 
it "The Ship for Scandal.'' \^ery few repu- 
tations w^ill escape unscathed. The story 
that is going the rounds about me. however, 
is not so bad, but I am not proud of it. It 
is said that I nightly don pink silk pajamas, 
fringed at the bottom with laces and blue 
ribbons. This is the first time in my life I 
have ever been accused of being effeminate. 
However, in order to make the legend seem 
real I borrowed a pair of panties from a lady 
on the ship and arrayed myself in them as 
the story went. A party was conducted to 
my cabin when I feigned sleep and there I 

70 



TWENTY -FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 71 

lay in all my lacial and ribbonly splendor. 
Seeing is believing and the skeptics who 
could not harmonize my daily life with pink 
pajamas and laces now are saying that "It 
takes all kinds of people to make a world." 
When we left Genoa a mother of two chil- 
dren purchased some deck chairs and placed 
them upon a chosen quarter where they have 
since remained. An Italian passenger made 
up his mind yesterday, after the lady had 
properly pre-empted the spot for thirteen 
days, that he wanted that place for his chair 
and he took it. The lady, filled with right- 
eous indignation, protested much. Where- 
upon the Italian passenger said very vehe- 
mently that "You are not a lady." His re- 
marks were passed around among the 
women on board and then the tale came to 
the men. But it had no sooner started than 
an army captain from Oregon jumped from 
his deck chair and sought out the heroine 
and the villain. The latter denied having 
made the ungentlemanly remark, but the 
lady said he did, and some Red Cross girls, 
who overheard him, confirmed her state- 
ment. The Oregon Captain then bade the 
Italian to move his chair. He did. Then 
he asked him to make a public apology for 



72 TJVENTY-FOVR DAYS 

liis statement to the lady. Before a large 
crowd of interested spectators he publicly 
apologized but not until the Oregon captain 
had informed him he would either be landed 
in New York on a stretcher or deposited in 
the deep blue sea if he didn't "come across." 
Thus the only interesting incident of the 
Sabbath day ended peacefully with a victory 
for the man from Oregon. It is interesting 
to speculate upon what would have been the 
fate of the Italian if the captain had been 
from Mississippi. 

Today all of the soldiers who coaled this 
ship were given a special dinner as a token 
of our esteem, in addition to cigarettes. We 
would still be in Gibraltar if the dough-boys 
had not finished the coaling. 

One of the Red Cross girls inadvertently 
blew her upper teeth into the ocean today 
while suffering from a gastronomic flivver. 
Now the young lieutenant who has been 
keeping her company for two weeks is boast- 
ing about how little he cared for her — that 
it was "just to pass away the time" and is 
making other ungallant remarks. Love is 
inconstant especially upon a rough sea. 

There is one woman on board who is 
pretty even if she has passed forty-five or 



ON A TROOPSHIP 73 

six years. Last night when the boat began 
to pitch she sought comfort in her own neg- 
ligee fashion. This incident resulted in a 
request to the Poet Laureate to write a poem 
in commemoration of the event. Accord- 
ingly, I wrote the following which was set 
to music by an En^c;iish lady on board. 

When Mother Shimmies in Her Shimmies. 

There's a song in my heart, 
Like the waves of the sea, 

There's joy in my soul, 
Which satisfies me, 

There's a thrill in my spine, 
Which nothing can cure, 

For mother has shimmied 
In her shimmies demure. 

She pranced on the deck, 
Of this steamer last night. 

Just robed in her shimmies, 
O, boys — 'Twas a sight. 

The stars in the heavens. 
Looked down with a frown, 

To see mother so shimmied 
In her shimmeying gown. 



74 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

The watch in the look-out 

Had cried, "All is well" 
He must have meant mother, 

\\'hite robed as a belle, 
The ship which was doing 

Twelve knots to the hour, 
Struck out like a racer, 

Testing its power. 

For the wind of the sea. 

Which threatened to fail. 
Caught up mother's shimmies 

Which it used for a sail. 
And we sped through the night 

As if seeking for fame, 
'Twas all on account 

Of the shimmeying dame. 

O, boys, we don't care, 

If we never get home, 
If mother will shimmy 

So long as we roam. 

Thus it so happens that one, who is seri- 
ously inclined and given much to introspec- 
tion, finds himself the center of smiling gos- 
sip in mid-ocean, because an incident and a 
silly ditty strikes a popular chord. 



CHAPTER XV. 

Late yesterday afternoon one of the sol- 
diers who has been able by some means to 
get considerable to drink was confined to 
the "guard house," which in this instance 
happened to be one of the bath rooms. Very 
much under the influence of liquor, he broke 
one of the panes in the door and armed with 
his glass weapon started upon a rampage. 
He went on deck where the first-class pas- 
sengers are located and brandishing his 
weapon, threatened to carve up anyone who 
came in contact with him. There was a 
panic among the women and the oflficer of 
the guard, who threatened to shoot him, was 
calmly ordered to go ahead. The maniac 
was overpowered and today languishes 
safely in chains where he can do no harm. 

Today I participated in the soldiers' 
luncheon, served at twelve. All of us lined 
up with our mess kits, consisting of an alu- 
minum tin cup, and a pan with a top. In 
the tin cup we received piping hot cofTee, 
sweetened and tempered with canned milk. 

75 



76 



T w r /V 7" V FOUR n I y s 



ill oiii |).iii ItM) \v(' f^ot a lilxi.il l.ltlOll ol 
stcvvt'd |)iiiius, wliuli I consitlcM" a luxury 
uvtM licif, .111(1 III (till pan proper wc wcic 
StTNftl (Mir Ixiilcd p(il.il<», oiif pi(( (• (il I>(mU'(I 
lu-('l, .111(1 Miiiu- j;ia\\, .ilsd .1 l>i«' liiiiik of 
l»UM(l. I li.il w.i'. dUi iiu'.il. riu-ir w.isaiii 
pit' lor all who ( oiild (Ml. riic sc.i was lii^li 
and uiauN ol (lie l>o\s were sick. lu'sidcs, 
(lie tii\ il oiiiiiciil is iiol .1 ppcl i/in|j,. Tlu" 
cooks air (III I \ . .11 id tin- nun who nci \ cd ( he 
sluH (o oni loiij; lint- M-ciiu-d ((» think Ihal 
tlu'ii" liiif^iMS u t u- in.idf hn dishinj; on( l(»o(I 
and used IIumh ari"oi"diui',l\ . 

;\ II li.id lo (Ml III the nndsl ol h.iii};in^' 
(pi.lildS ol l.iw heel. rcih.ip', I vvas the 
oul)' oiu- ol Ihc hiiiK h who ihon^dit ol il, hut 
it was n(»l . I ppcl 1/ ill!;. I'nl llicsf nun arc 
j^'oiiii', hoiiu', whuli I', iiioic lo llicni III. in 
an\ lhiii«; i-lsc in llic wdild, .ind IIu'n will pn( 
Up with .in\ ihiuj^. 

riuMc WIS one li^ht iH^tween I wo dou^li- 
l)i»ys dining ihf uumI which w.is a hlootly 
allair. one (»l ihc Icllows hcin^ \eiv hadly 
h.dtcicd in Ihc nci^Jihoi hood o\ his noSc. 
No .itlcnipl W.IS in.idf lo pari (hem. Tiiey 
lou^hl (Ml nnlil (Mic iMtl euou«;li and iheu 
they shot>k liaiuls. Such i.s life on the ocean 
w a\e. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 77 

Their sleeping quarters are not all that 
can be desired but no one is complaining. 
They are bunked in iron beds three deep in 
the hold of the vesesl which in normal times 
is used for cargo and steerage. The quar- 
ters are damp, dark and, in stormy weather, 
very close, as the portholes must remain 
closed. War, three thousand miles away, 
is no joke. 

Many stories of bravery in war will be 
told, very, very many. But I often wonder 
if those young lads who rode those sub- 
marine chasers will ever get their due. They 
crossed the ocean on boats no feet long, 
about the size of the caravels of Columbus, 
but not nearly so bulky. Life upon them 
is something fearful to contemplate. Some- 
times one of the men would go forward and 
have to remain for three or four days sepa- 
rated from his companions, because the 
weather was so stormy the hatches could 
not be opened to let him back. During that 
time he would subsist upon emergency 
rations which had been placed in that par- 
ticular part of the boat for just such a pur- 
pose. Some of those boats turned turtle and 
sank. Others went down from collisions 
and other causes. 



78 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

Then there are the brave and fearless men 
who manned the merchant marine. They 
endured real hazards of war. They were in 
eternal danger. War has its heroes but the 
men of the merchant marine are the super- 
heroes of strife. 

My sympathy is with the "regular" in the 
Army and Navy, the men who are in the 
service through choice. When the armistice 
was signed no one ever thought of their go- 
ing home. It was just a natural sequence 
of thought that they should continue to stick 
to their posts. I have talked with many of 
them and, so far as I am able to tell, they 
have hearts just as big and full of love as the 
men who volunteered. They have families 
\vhich are dear to them and girls of their 
dreams. Yet orders sent them to far away 
climes or kept them where they were. For 
one year, two years, three years yet before 
home. What must their thoughts have 
been when they saw emergency army and 
navy men returning to welcomes unprece- 
dented in modern times. Some day some 
Kipling will tell the story of the American 
Army and Navy regulars. It will be a story 
of resplendent humor and infinite tears. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 79 

Some of the Italian boys on this boat, who 
have been fighting in Italy and France, in 
an American uniform (there were about 
200,000 of them) many of whom speak only 
broken English, have recently been rather 
loud in their praise of their mother country, 
to the detriment of the United States. 
When they started to sing Italian patriotic 
songs the officers put a stop to it. When the 
real bona fide Americans found it out trouble 
was but narrowly averted and those indis- 
creet, as well as unpatriotic young fellows, 
may thank their stars they didn't join Davy 
Jones. 

America certainly has a problem on her 
hands in her polyglot of hyphenated races. 
A very, very large majority of such young 
men are coming back every inch Americans. 
They love their country of adoption more 
than ever before and we Americans who 
have the race born and bred in us must do 
more than we have done to elevate the stand- 
ards of patriotic thought. T, personally, 
think we can shut off immigration for three 
or four years to good advantage. 



CHAPTER XVI. 

At noon today we passed one of the 
islands of the Azores, sailing by to the south 
of it. We have taken the southern course, 
so I am reliably told, in order to escape the 
heavy v^inds which are now prevailing in 
the north Atlantic. The island, which is the 
only one we shall see, is in reality a moun- 
tain, with precipitous cliffs against which 
the water ceaselessly surges. There is no 
harbor, so if we had paused we should have 
had to anchor a long way out. It was first 
rumored that we were to stop for provisions 
for the soldiers; then we were told that we 
would stop for fresh water. But we sailed 
past the green valleys which one could dis- 
cern with the aid of a glass, beyond terraced 
hillsides, and now we are bound for New 
York. In seven or eight days we should be 
there. 

We wonder what is happening in the old 
world. How is Peace adjusting itself? Has 
President Wilson returned home? What 
are the Bolshevikis doing? How is the 

80 



TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 81 

wheat crop turning out? Who leads the 
leagues? How is everybody? If we were 
in the wilds of Africa we could not possibly 
be further removed from news than we are 
now. 

There was one rumor in circulation today 
which has a basis. It struck terror to the 
hearts of some of the mothers with children 
on board. There is one well developed case 
of diphtheria and another questionable one. 
If the scourge should break out we might be 
quarantined in New York for a week or two. 
O joy! 

There is more strife between the Ameri- 
can officers on board for the hands and 
hearts of the Red Cross girls (until we reach 
New York. The lieutenant was going along 
swimmingly when all of a sudden the lady 
switched to the captain. Now in this case 
the officer of lower rank does not necessarily 
need to follow any particular regulations, 
and he has sworn that he is going to cut the 
captain out, to show him that he can do it, 
and then drop the girl. 

Right at this point may I explain to the 
reader that this is a chronicle of what is hap- 
pening on a troop-ship, on which about 600 
civilians and 1,200 soldiers are sailing. The 



82 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

things which I am recording are put down 
as they transpire from day to day and are 
actual happenings, not what I imagine. The 
above statement may seem silly on land, 
where you have access to daily newspapers, 
where you can come and go. But remember 
that we have been practically prisoners on 
this boat since the 23rd day of June. It is 
true that at Gibraltar we could get off for a 
short time but we always had to report back 
to ship early for fear it would sail without us. 
This is the sixteenth day we have slept on 
this boat and we are hardly one-third of the 
distance across the Atlantic. So in the 
course of events what one thinks or does be- 
comes common gossip. The above story was 
related to me by a woman, who said the lieu- 
tenant told her, which I know he did. 

Remember, we are in numbers as large as 
many a small country town, about two 
thousand people. No place to go, nothing 
to do. I have the only library on board 
worth mentioning and my books are doing 
double time. But people are getting hor- 
ribly peevish and constant rumors about 
floating mines and the diphtheria scare, to- 
gether with the melancholy of the ocean, the 



ON A TROOPSHIP 83 

awe of it affect all of us, or rather most all 
of us. 

So I record what I see. Music would be 
enlivening but tonight while we were eat- 
ing dinner some one was playing on the 
piano and half a dozen old maids got hyster- 
ical and they had to quit. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

We should have landed in New York to- 
day. Instead we are promenading the deck, 
15 times around for one mile, hardly yet in 
mid-ocean. There was boat drill today. One 
long blast of the whistle and all of us sought 
our life-boats to be used in case of emer- 
gency. It has been rather dull but trouble 
is brewing. There will be something doing 
tomorrow, and of course I am mixed up in 
it. Perhaps I'll tell you about that, too. 



84 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

I have already told you that there are a 
number of women on board who have been 
marooned in Switzerland or Italy since the 
outbreak of the war in 1914. They are now 
homeward bound. One lady with a mar- 
rigeable daughter cast out her lines for an 
Italian on board this ship who is an officer 
and reputed to be a wealthy man. She and 
the very pretty girl sit at a table near the 
center of the dining saloon with three Amer- 
ican officers. Now these officers are splendid 
young men who very much resent the speed 
at which the Italian officer is traveling along 
the route of afifections (top deck) with the 
daughter. So they have had anything but 
kind words to say concerning the "wops" 
and Italian officers in particular. Being in 
uniform, the lady assumes that what they 
have said is "official" and she has repeated 
it to the officer from Italy, and he, noble 
soul, overlooks the "insults" but at the same 
time utilizes the incident to gather in the 
affections of the daughter (for eight days 
yet). 

85 



86 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

Things came to such a pass that I was 
called in as arbitrator. I chose the title of 
Adjudicator of Excesses and proceeded to 
draw up a two-page armistice designating 
in deference the American officers as "Par- 
ties of the Offensive," and the American 
mother as "Party of the Defensive." The 
Parties of the Offensive signed the armis- 
tice and I then presented it to the Party of 
the Defensive yesterday noon with the stipu- 
lation that it must be signed by her and re- 
turned to me not later than seven o'clock 
last night. In case of the madam's failure 
to live up to the articles of agreement, the 
armistice terms provided that she was to be 
confined for a period not exceeding nine 
months, under my supervision and direction. 

She failed to sign and of course the war 
is still on. So last night when it came time 
for dinner the three officers deliberately took 
seats in other parts of the dining room, leav- 
ing the mother and daughter gloriously 
alone, the cynosure of 300 gossiping people. 
Now the story has started the rounds that 
the American officers deeply resent the in- 
roads which the Italian officer has made 
upon the affections of the daughter. Or per- 
haps there is something more. Who knows? 



ON A TROOPSHIP 87 

One of the stewards relates what he saw, 
and his eyesight must be very good. Mother 
and daughter, both blissfully innocent, are 
now the nucleus of the juiciest bit of gossip 
which eighteen days have yet produced and 
the end is not yet in sight. It is now my 
duty as Adjudicator to bring about peace 
between the two warring nationalities, and 
if possible to save the reputations of the la- 
dies. Thus we shall have to stop at this 
point in a very delicate matter and await de- 
velopments. Somehow I feel I shall be equal 
to the task. But the mills of the gods grind 
slowly. 

In the meantime I am enjoying the solace 
of rather a peculiar reputation upon this 
boat, aside from the pink pajamas. Take it 
altogether, I think it is an enviable one, and 
it has come about through tending strictly 
to my own business. I never visit the upper 
deck after dark. If I do I don't come down 
wiping my lips. I never promenade except 
alone. When I walk I affect a deep pensive 
mood with my hands clasped behind me, and 
every third time around I stop and gaze in 
deep meditation at the moon. 

People say, "He seems to be thoughtful," 
and they make other remarks. I do not de- 



88 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

ceive for it is unnecessary. Thus when they 
learn that long years ago I strayed from the 
solitary path of life, into a garden where five 
blessed children drive awa}^ dull care, the 
old men look upon me with envy and the 
youthful among us take courage. Thus it 
so happens that I am called upon to guide 
the barks of those who are just starting on 
the perilous voyage for it is obvious that 
long ago I passed over the rapids and am 
now sailing in smooth waters. 

So it was with genuine pleasure that upon 
special and confidential request I wrote the 
following poem for one who must remain 
unknown to you, dear reader, because love 
is something concerning which no sane man 
will attempt to jest. Therefore, I took for 
my theme that which is uppermost in the 
minds of all of us. 

We want to ^ti home. Hence the sub- 
ject, "My Home." This is the poem which 
may decide the fate of two lives. I shall let 
you judge of its merits and I may not tell 
you of the actual outcome of the little play 
on this moving stage, because I probably 
shall never know. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 89 

My Home. 

When shadows fall, and over all, 

The night has gathered deep, 
When stars are heavens only light, 

And half the v^orld's in sleep, 
I close my eyes, and paradise, 

Seems just beyond my view. 
Dear Sweetheart, in this solemn hour. 

My thoughts are all of you. 

All tears forgot, no passion hot. 

Disturbs my midnight dream, 
Your face divinely seems to shine. 

Your lovely eyes to beam. 
With holy light. O dearest mine, 

Whose love my life has blest, 
I sweetly sink to sleep at last, 

At home upon your breast. 

Where ere I roam, no other home, 

Shall ever hold my heart, 
My life, my all, I give to Thee, 

Together or apart. 
In this or other worlds than this. 

Where ere our souls shall be. 
In love divine, my love is thine, 

Throughout Eternity. 



90 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

Later: They have promised to name their 
first boy for me. 

Today the dough-boys staged a prize fight 
but it was rather a tame aft'air. Three sets 
of youngsters in the second class were much 
more amusing in their pugilistic punching 
and several coins were tossed to them after 
the fray. 

The ocean looks smooth enough but there 
is a heavy swell and the boat pitches and 
sways violently. The moon shines through 
the clouds, mystically, and the beat of the 
waves against the boat sounds like breaking 
surf on a rock-bound coast. JMeanwhile a 
major whose hair is tinged with gray has 
been devoting too much attention to an Ital- 
ian girl. Neither speak the same language 
but there seems to be something in common 
between them. I try never to pass judgment 
on my fellow countrymen, or those of any 
other land, but the old fool is a revelation 
to me. 

There are four priests on board, three or- 
dinary well-fed crows and one great big 
priest. They are jolly good fellows and have 
done nothing which I have seen that reflects 
upon the cloth. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 91 

We have our little princess, one of those 
beautiful children which you are perfectly 
willing to agree is just as charming as your 
own. The other day at luncheon I suppose 
I was staring at her in rather a rude way 
for her little face was a vision of loveliness 
and sweet innocence. While I sat there, en- 
raptured, that blessed little thing came down 
the corridor between the tables and holding 
out her delicate wan hand extended it to me 
for a kiss. No knight has ever been more 
signally honored by his lady love, and to this 
hour I do not know why she ever thus pre- 
sented herself to me in such queenly fashion. 

How wonderful Is the innocence of child- 
hood. Truly it has been said that "A little 
child shall lead them." My dear little Prin- 
cess, when the scenes of today are but mem- 
ories of time which was spent upon a long 
journey and the comedies and tragedies of 
slow moving hours have mingled with the 
dust of yesterday, I shall recall, with rever- 
ence, the gracious goodness with which you 
smiled and came to me in simple trusting 
faith for the homage which every knight 
pays to his lady love. 

The commandant of the boat has posted a 
sign which indicates that one long blast of 



92 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

the whistle means boat drill and two long 
blasts of the whistle means ''man over- 
board." Nothing about the women men- 
tioned. We could lose a dozen or two of the 
old hens on this ship without any distress. 
Take the one for instance with the bird cage. 



CHAPTER XIX. 

People on board a ship live as if they were 
under a microscope. Their goodness and 
their badness is magnified. Their faults are 
exaggerated and their virtues much en- 
larged. Thus I envy that philosophy of a 
noble woman, who is much devoted to her 
husband, when she said, after some gossiper 
had told her a shameless tale, "I always try 
to see the good, not the bad. Please do not 
tell me such things. There is some good in 
all of us and I am sure everyone on this boat 
has some good qualities." 

Then she left for a promenade with her 
husband and every time they rounded the 
dark corner of the deck he kissed her, and 
their honeymoon has been going on for ten 
years. 

There is a lady in the second class who 
calls herself a duchess. She opened a cabin 
of ill-fame and for a while long queues 
waited at the threshold. But there was a 
sudden and tragic ending which is set down 

93 



94 TWENTY -FOUR DJYS 

because it is one of the lurid and pathetic 
incidents of this ocean trip. 

The race between the captain and the Heu- 
tenant has suddenly veered in favor of the 
latter. It is early now to prognosticate with 
certainty what the ultimate issue w^ll be. 

There are two elderly men on board whose 
daily life is beautiful. One of them, the 
elder, is suffering from locomotor ataxia. He 
must be led, fed, and cared for almost as a 
child. So the younger, whose hair is turning 
gray, devotes every hour of the day and 
night to kindly ministrations. I am sure 
that the patience which he exhibits and the 
devotion which he shows to the afflicted one 
has touched the hearts of all of us. The 
greatest of these is LOVE. 

This is one of those stifling hot days in 
mid-ocean when the salt of the sea seems to 
lodge in every pore and your whole frame 
oozes brine. 

The soldiers are lolling on the deck. Down 
in the hold a few of them are playing an in- 
teresting game known as stud poker. I do 
not understand it but the money seems to 
change hands with lightning rapidity. Now 
and then there is a bugle call to which the 
soldiers respond. They run around the deck 



ON A TROOPSHIP 95 

a few times, generating much sweat, but for 
the most part these are dull, dull days. En- 
ergy is sapped, and life feels like molasses 
oozing out of a barrel bung hole in June. 

The officers are filling out records and 
making up pay rolls, which reminds me that 
Uncle Sam sent many a remittance to his 
soldiers in Italy in transparent envelopes, 
while the rules of the Italian censorship pro- 
vided that communications in transparent 
envelopes should be thrown in the waste 
basket. The complication involved in war- 
ring three thousand miles away are multi- 
tudinous. 

A few soldiers were court-martialed to- 
day. The officers sat as a jury of six, and 
the charges were read. The charges were 
mostly for being drunk and disobedient or 
disrespectful to officers. Some of the poor 
devils got six months or a year in Leaven- 
worth, when we are now almost home. Just 
six days more. I should say that liquor is 
nine-tenths responsible. These are the trag- 
edies which make a prohibitionist out of a 
man. 

The latest rumor is that we have food 
enough on board to last just four days and 



96 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

no more. Meanwhile we wonder what is 
being done with the Kaiser. 

There was another pugiHstic seance this 
afternoon. Two heavy-weights fought until 
one quit after two rounds; then two fancy 
steppers took the ring. They were mild, 
after which two men of color pranced about 
a bit, very politely tapping each other now 
and then, while the ocean is like a pond as 
we sail. 

We have the ''Daily WaiF' with us. It 
is an ingenious little travesty which is done 
by a well known correspondent of a Chicago 
paper, under the direction of a brown-eyed 
pretty English girl who is his charming and 
devoted wife. The printing establishment 
consists of a well known make of transport- 
able typewriter, and the "Daily Wail" fre- 
quently comprises three pages of "news." 

And I must not forget to mention after- 
noon tea at three. Luncheon is at twelve. 
Thus we eat and drink and live and laugh 
on board the Pesaro bound for New York 
on a troop-ship. We are averaging a little 
over three hundred miles per day. By the 
grace of courage and coal we will soon ar- 
rive. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 97 

Late this afternoon the captain had the 
inside track again. He plays the piano well 
and he serenaded his lady who assisted him 
with a mandolin. 

The battle between the American officers 
and the lady and daughter, with the Italian 
officer in reserve, still rages silently. Seated 
at the same table breaking identical bread, 
choking upon similar fish bones, and swal- 
lowing twin prune seeds, both have en- 
trenched. Verily, it is not yet time for me 
to act. 

Over against the horizon, across the 
smooth deep sea, a sailing vessel is bound 
toward the rising sun. Now and then a piece 
of dull brown seaweed floats by. The ocean 
is as blue as the language of a coxswain who 
has skinned his shins upon an achor chain. 



CHAPTER XX. 

This is Sunday, the third one aboard the 
Pesaro. High mass was celebrated this 
morning at 8 o'clock in the smoking room. 
At 10 o'clock church services were held in 
the music room. At 12 o'clock we dined. 
They are shortening up on our rations. 
There must be some truth in the report that 
food is getting low. This evening I lectured 
to a chosen few, selecting my own audience, 
and then locking the door of the dining 
saloon. They had to sit through it. Would 
you? For this is what I said, after asking 
my audience to disregard the fact that I was 
not speaking to them. For the audience of 
my mind and my heart was one somewhere 
in the States. Together we laughed and we 
wept and felt better. 

Over Seas in a Sack Suit. 

"When the mailed fist of war had been 
shackled by the signing of the armistice; 
when the last gun in Flanders field had thun- 
dered its final diapason; when legions of 

98 



TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 99 

heroic soldiers saw the final chapter of car- 
nage closed on the Western front, then the 
human race was to witness the homeward 
marching of more potential heroes than his- 
torians had numbered, from the prehistoric 
dawn, to that fateful November eleventh 
hour. 

"Some of them you have seen survivors of 
terrific battles in the air, on land and sea; 
de-limbed, maimed and blind, every one 
worthy of noblest tribute and undying fame. 

"And across the vision of our dreams of 
Victory, there flashes for a moment, the 
spectre of hosts of heroes, who fell in the 
midnight of battle, the end of a Great Ad- 
venture, whose solemn requiem shall stir a 
fever in the blood, so long as man loves lib- 
erty and right! 

"But there are millions of us who never 
reached the firing line; who never expected 
to see the battle front; we were doomed to 
the sack suit of civilian life; thus must I 
speak to you, neither as a soldier, sailor nor 
marine, just a private in the ranks of a thing 
called commerce, a voyager on several seas, 
a writer devoid of decorations, a speaker 
without the prestige of fame. 



100 TW ENTY-FOU R DAYS 

"Hence, without further digression, I shall 
throw a few pictures upon the screen of your 
imaginations; I shall take you into the high- 
ways and by-ways of foreign commerce and 
trade, of international politics and diplom- 
acy, of readjustment and reconstruction. We 
shall see devastation and chaos upon this 
journey, where thousands died and millions 
fought. 

"Let us engage our trans-Atlantic passage 
upon a comfortable ocean steamer, utilized 
upon its return trip, largely for the trans- 
portation of American troops. It is a boat 
broad of beam which slightly rolls and rocks 
to the rhythmic swell of the cradle of the 
deep. There shall be no stories of physical 
qualms, for so far as I know there are none 
which it would be edifying to repeat. 

"As for myself (if you will pardon) I have 
sailed on seven seas when mighty tempests 
have tossed the ship as a toy on their bo- 
soms, and in dead calms when one could 
scarcely feel the steamer's quiver, and 
neither in tempest nor calm have I ever ex- 
perienced one gastronomic flivver. 

"Somehow when the pall of night falls up- 
on the silent ocean, when the stars are but 
feeble twinkling lights which link us to the 



ON A TROOPSHIP 101 

sunshine of day-dreams and laughter and 
love, then surely the thoughtful must pon- 
der in heathen awe over the majesty of 
nature. But w^hen the waves roll high, and 
break in cloud crests of whitened foam over 
the decks of the vessel, when storms rage 
and fitful gusts of rain and sleet, blind the 
bold sailors, when the prow leaps high and 
the stern plunges low, then the elemental in 
man asserts itself, and the ocean is dared to 
do its worst! 

"So it seems to me that when the world 
was shaken by the storms of war, and men 
and Nations were instinctively drawn to- 
gether for mutual preservation, that the he- 
roic most vigorously asserted itself. 

"It was only when the storm was over, 
when the tension relaxed that the true test 
of the principles of democracy confronted 
human kind. 

"It is of the calm of which I would speak, 
the ominous stillness which followed the 
signing of the armistice! 

"Let us disembark in Liverpool, drenched 
in rain, shivering with cold, and embalmed 
in a cheesy fog. 

"The principal port of England, during 
war-time (and by war-time I mean that pe- 



102 TfVENTY-FOUR DAYS 

riod following the armistice) is a military 
center where alien civilians are quizzed, 
labeled, stamped, measured, marked, photo- 
graphed, thumb-printed to the utmost satis- 
faction of Scotland Yards, no matter how 
reticent one may be, or how legitimate the 
purpose of the journey. There are no fixed 
fees for the police procedure, but gratuities 
are accepted with thanks, and they ease the 
way which would otherwise be spent in 
queues of hysterical women, crying children, 
wounded soldiers, perspiring Chinamen, and 
a polyglot of all the races that fate and for- 
tune have cast into the British Isles. There 
is no particular mystery about civilians trav- 
eling in war-time, providing your papers are 
authentic, and your credit is as good as gold. 
But there is difficulty in explaining to the 
principals you represent, that you have not 
bought the Bank of England, attempted the 
reconstruction of Belgium or purchased a 
harem in the land of Turkestan. 

"Not far from Liverpool one may visit 
where Roman legions camped two thousand 
years ago, leaving for posterity, antique rel- 
ics of their abode. In fact, you do not travel 
in the British Isles or Europe very long, be- 
fore you learn that the Revolutionary war is 



ON A TROO PS HIP 103 

recent enough to warrant special editions of 
our daily newspapers, recounting the suc- 
cessful ride of Paul Revere, or the surrender 
of Cornwallis at Yorktown. 

''Buildings which do not date back to the 
fifteenth century, tombstones epitaphing the 
lives of those within three hundred years, 
and businesses established after 1700 hardly 
attract your attention, when you can frater- 
nize with knights and crusaders now resting 
upon their laurels in the ancient tombs and 
churches. 

"Liverpool immediately reminded me of 
something I had read somewhere about a 
Revolutionary soldier, who upon being asked 
why he had fought for independence, re- 
plied, "I was cut out of my sweetheart by a 
red coat gallant; a marine officer with Lord 
Dunmore." 

''The war which was fought upon the 
Western front at times could hardly have 
been more engaging than the one which the 
Yanks, who were encamped at Liverpool, 
were waging for the hands and hearts of 
Briton's maids, based upon the Patrick 
Henry principle of "Give me liberty or give 
me death" with those pretty English girls. 



104 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

"We like to believe, indeed we devoutedly 
hope, that those nations which brigaded 
their men on the western battle front, until 
they had driven the enemy beyond the Rhine, 
have been welded into close political ties 
which time shall never sever, 

"But the soldiers of the French, the British 
and the American armies, from buck private 
to commissioned officer, were not on friendly 
terms, even before their work was done. Not 
only was there much secret and expressed 
antipathy but there were frequent and deadly 
feuds. The feeling was not sporadic but 
rather universal in its scope. 

"The condition, accelerated by the armis- 
tice, was one of the most regrettable reper- 
cussions of the war, 

"The remedy which will heal the wounds 
of the nations, and which will restore and 
firmly establish enduring friendship lies deep 
in the hearts of the plain people of our coun- 
try and theirs. 

"It is unthinkable that England or France 
should ever engage in war with America, 
but the wars of the future will be demanded 
by public opinion; people will precipitate 
them, not Monarchs, and no man living or 



ON A TROO P SHIP 105 

dead has ever correctly forecast what public 
opinion will do. 

"We MUST know each other better; we 
must trust each other more, and then with 
eternal vigilance, which is the price of Peace, 
we must do our bit to elevate the standards 
of common thought. 

'T speak to you with hope, tempered by the 
memory of the awful waste which I have 
witnessed, that civilization has shed its last 
drop of blood in fitful strife. I say I speak 
to you with hope, but not with conviction. 

"One cannot travel as I have traveled, liv- 
ing for weeks and months among foreign 
peoples, differing in language, religion, man- 
ners, customs, philosophy and economic sys- 
tems without sensing the innate antagonism 
of races, and inevitably concluding that our 
own security for the future lies in our ability 
to defend our own borders and repose in our 
own strength. 

"But to this I would hastily add, that now 
we must accept the burdens which the re- 
sponsibilities of war have thrust upon us, in 
helping to maintain the Peace of the world, 
or fifty thousand American soldiers, sleeping 
on Flanders' field have fought and died in 
vain. 



106 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

''1 would change now rather abruptly, the 
flickering film of my journey, and visit Scot- 
land. Not the country that we know in song 
and story, but the modern Scotland of today. 

"The thrift and industry of her native deni- 
zens have made the lowlands what I believe 
to be the most wonderfully beautiful agri- 
cultural country in the world. Her rock- 
ribbed hills are adorned with heather; miles 
upon miles of stone fences following the sin- 
uous windings of excellent roads are resplen- 
dent with green moss and ivy; her valleys 
are verdant twelve months in the year. Her 
Lochs sparkle as diadems and her rivers are 
like silver ribbons reaching out to the sea. 

'T see a Scottish soldier just home from 
France, a picture vivified by a bonnie wee 
lassie who loved him so well. In bedraggled 
khaki and kilts, with a helmet flung over his 
shoulder, and a knapsack swung at his side, 
he comes back to his cottage home on the 
hill-top. 

"The exquisite delight of standing once 
more upon his own door-step, the quiet pen- 
sive home, contrasting so strangely now 
with the trenches in which he had lived so 
long, the silence of the hills, the call of the 



ON A TROOPSHIP 107 

birds across the moor, the loneliness of the 
place, enshroud him. 

"He stepped to the door quietly, stopped 
upon the threshold and knocked; there was 
a clatter of tea things, then a pause. A little 
maid with auburn hair screamed in ecstasy, 
"It's me daddy." 

And then the door was closed upon a scene 
which in tenderness is only surpassed by the 
memory of the daddy who never came home. 

"London is very much the mother of many 
of us. For Americans of English stock, cer- 
tainly it is the most wonderful city in the 
world. All that we are and perhaps all that 
we ever shall be are recorded in London- 
town. Our literature, language, laws, cus- 
toms, architecture and religion run back- 
ward to her crooked streets and gabled 
houses. Today one may dine in London, 
where generations of genius have been wont 
to sit and sip. The old and the new are 
merged in London as the waters from a 
thousand hillsides mingle in the busy 
Thames. 

"But of old London I would not tell. It is 
the city as I found it, upon the ending of the 
war that I want you to see. Three months 
after the signing of the armistice, London 



108 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

was submerged in grief. Her gaiety was 
superficial, her happiness was but a veneer. 

"The toll of war had been too terrible, the 
sorrow of war had cut too deep, the burdens 
of war had been too heavy, the reactions 
from war had been too distant for immediate 
reconstruction to begin. 

"Mistake not. There was reconstruction 
as well as readjustment in the economic or- 
der of things to be done. 

"The London business man spoke with a 
suppressed and wavering confidence of the 
future; with trepidation of the immediate 
present, and with infinite grief, of the sorrow 
which had darkened millions of homes. 

"If it had been my first contact with Eng- 
lish business men I surely should have been 
misled, for tenacity of purpose and sweep 
of commercial vision were obscured by the 
pessimism of the hour. But my intuitive 
judgment was better than my immediate 
perspective, for I felt then and I wrote that 
my confidence in the ability of the English- 
man to find himself and come back was not 
shaken. Six months of time have vindicated 
that view. Today you will find them wher- 
ever the sun shines, following old lanes of 



ON A TROOPSHIP 109 

travel, or blazing new tracks of commerce 
and trade. 

"America might have led the v^^orld in in- 
ternational finance and business, for the for- 
tunes of war thrust opportunity into our 
path. We have done well, but England, in 
spite of her war burdens, has done infinitely 
better. 

"London has witnessed the transfer of 
huge reserves of gold to our coffers, but in 
my humble opinion she has not sacrificed for 
any length of time her international finan- 
cial leadership. Today she borrows im- 
mense sums of money from us but she is 
loaning to customers who might have been 
ours. We are an infant in the cradle of inter- 
national finance, not on account of deficient 
ability, but because our economics are polit- 
ically robed in swaddling cloths. 

"England builds statues to her business 
men. We dedicate them to those who cir- 
cumscribe our personal liberty in the name 
of reform. If you have shed tears for poor 
old England, prepare to dry them now. 
When you round up the figures of interna- 
tional finance in a decade, I will venture the 
prediction you will find that England has 



no TWENTY -FOUR DAYS 

corraled the numerals, and we like innocent 
snipe hunters, will be holding the sack. 

''But we must hasten over to France, 
crossing the channel quickly from South- 
ampton to La Havre, trusting as we sail, that 
whatsoever the future may hold for us, we 
will call it good if out of the mighty issues of 
war England and America emerge with no 
barrier between them but the sea. 

"To reach France was the acme of my am- 
bition. There was something romantic it 
seemed to me about setting foot on French 
soil. Somewhere along the lines with the 
Army of Occupation, I knew I should find 
my brothers. To meet them and to greet 
them after the stress of many battles, was 
a joy which knew no bounds. But the mili- 
tary officials who quizzed me at the port, 
and the initial reception which I received, 
jarred the romance out of my system and 
brought me precipitately to earth. 

''The experience was to be duplicated 
many times before my return, for the civilian 
traveling abroad in war-time is an object of 
suspicion, guilty, until he proves himself 
innocent, a trespasser upon forbidden soil. 
At first I felt in a sack suit much like an 



ON A TROOPSHIP 111 

escaped convict, parading the streets in my 
stripes. 

''I paid full fare on the railroads, phis many 
a liberal fee for the privilege of riding; in 
restaurants reserved for soldiers I w^as al- 
w^ays turned out; in the shops I received no 
ten per cent discount, and in many of the 
public buildings only men in uniform were 
allowed. They did not recognize me in any 
of the commissary departments; they did not 
take me on "Triangle" and sight-seeing 
tours, and from the mademoiselles and sen- 
oritas I never even received so much as a 
pleasant look. 

"In the midst of my tribulations I met a 
dough-boy, who thought he recognized me 
by the style of the spectacles which I wore. 
"Say, ain't you from God's country?" and 
when I answered "Yes," he impulsively in- 
vited me to "put her there." 

"You're the first Yank I've seen in civvies 
since I landed in this damned mudhole, 
and believe me, pal, you sure look good. 
What are you doing over here?" 

"When I had assured him that I was just 
an humble citizen of his own country travel- 
ing abroad to ascertain a few facts about the 
supplies of chow, he greeted me as a long 



112 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

lost bunkie, and he never once accused me 
of winning the war. 

"At another time I stood watching thou- 
sands of men and women parading the 
streets of Paris on the first of May. Red 
flowers and red insignias were most con- 
spicuous, while now and then a red flag was 
hoisted in the rain. But Clemenceau had 
caused regiments of infantry and cavalry to 
be stationed at strategic places and the 
hordes were not allowed to halt. 

"An American army colonel from Ala- 
bama had been watching the strange proces- 
sion, wondering as I was, what it was all 
about. Side by side, we fell into conversa- 
tion, just as the mob tried to break through a 
cordon of soldiers, who swept them back. He 
tactfully insisted upon talking to me at some 
length for he said that I was the first private 
citizen of his own country whom he had seen 
dressed in civilian garb since he landed in 
France. 

"After many similar experiences, which 
were often repeated, my rank and station 
ceased to bother me. I was often envied by 
the boys in khaki, and as for the military 
police, I could tell them without fear of rec- 



ON A TROOPSHIP 113 

ompense, just where the soldiers thought 
they ought to go. 

"Depression and pessimism which was so 
apparent in England, I had expected to find 
duplicated and augmented in France. Imag- 
ine my surprise and wonderment when ex- 
actly the reverse seemed to be true. Paris 
in conformity with its reputation was bril- 
liantly gay. 

"The theatres were crowded, the cafes 
were bulging with people, a universal hol- 
iday seemed to be on. The high cost of 
living apparently had no terrors for the 
Parisians for most of the business men had 
profited financially from the war. They had 
not only profited, but in some few instances 
they had profiteered. 

"At no time during the war Avas it impos- 
sible to secure every known luxury in ed- 
ibles in Paris, providing one was prepared 
to pay the price. This was never true in 
England, where the rich and the poor suf- 
fered privations alike. 

"The price which was fixed for bread, dur- 
ing the early stages of the war stimulated 
instead of reduced consumption. But I do 
not feel that we should regret having made 
any sacrifices in order that France might 



114 TW EN TY-FOU R DAYS 

have her daily bread, for a breadless France 
would have engendered unrest and rioting 
which might have defeated for a time, the 
ultimate issue of the war. 

"But there was something in the atmos- 
phere of Paris that could not be seen, an in- 
tangible undefinable spirit, which was all but 
submerged by the frivolous gaiety of the 
city itself. I am not just sure of the name, 
but it was certainly that mighty force which 
took hold of the hearts of the genuine 
French society, representing the true soul 
of France, and in the face of death and dis- 
aster such as no nation has ever braved, re- 
mained stoically calm, until the genius of 
her great Marshal wrested Victory from de- 
feat, and set the tri-color in the sun along 
the Rhine. The mothers of France cannot 
forget the past ! The womanhood of France, 
the war's greatest miracle! 

"It was my privilege to travel extensively 
through the devastated regions. Here is 
where language fails. 

"Who can hope to portray the impressions 
received from passing through a country 
where every foot had felt the impress of 
some engine of war? 



ON A TROOPSHIP 115 

"Acres and acres, for miles and miles once 
promising with harvests, teeming with 
homes, and enlivened by a happy peasant 
people had been churned by exploding 
shells, littered with every accoutrement of 
war, where but to touch a camouflaged hel- 
met, an innocent looking wire, or an unex- 
ploded shell was to flirt with death. 

"One might wander among such scenes 
for hours, until the emotions had been stifled 
by the holocaust, until the senses had been 
dulled by the sight of ruined homes, dese- 
crated churches, demolished oflice buildings, 
not even the faintest vestige of a street re- 
maining to identify what was once a thriv- 
ing town. 

"The mind cannot grasp, the eye cannot 
see, the tongue cannot tell of the pitiless 
and tragic ruin in France and Belgium, but 
one may gather here and there a story which 
lights the darkness and death of war, a tale 
which embellishes a description or an anec- 
dote which relieves the tension of twitching 
nerves. 

"I do not know what value the unbiased 
historian of the war will ascribe to the ac- 
tivities of the American army in France. 
Nor am I interested. I shall write my own 



116 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

history, and I am ready to write it now, not 
tomorrow, but today as I speak. 

"I can see a powerful nation standing sol- 
idly behind its President. "Force, force to 
the utmost" was the slogan in every Ameri- 
can heart which sent a steady stream of men 
across the sea. I can see those men reaching 
England and France by the thousand, often- 
times under conditions which reflected any- 
thing but credit upon those who transported 
them. Men who for the most part embraced 
the opportunity to go over there, because it 
was enough that their country had called 
them to go. I can see them as they marched 
in the dead of night, over the cobblestones 
of darkened cities on the Isles and the Con- 
tinent. I can see the expressions upon their 
faces, as they were told, thousands of them 
that the war was all but lost, and that their 
coming had only prolonged the conflict. 

You know the truth! 

"In all the annals of modern warfare what 
could be nobler than the achievements of 
the dough-boys, and the 8,000 marines, who 
met the picked guards of the Prussian army, 
the very flower of Kaiserdom, the best that 
militarism had to offer, hurling them back 



ON A TROOPSHIP 117 

with indomitable courage, which never knew 
defeat. 

"Strolling along the Champs de Elysee one 
day I noticed an American soldier sitting 
upon one of the iron benches. I stopped to 
chat with him, for I was interested in the 
company which he was entertaining. I 
asked him how long a leave he had in Paris 
and he told me 48 hours. Then I suggested 
that I should think he would be about see- 
ing the "sights." 

Listen to him! 

"No, sir, this here little kid is the first one 
I've had a chance to hug since I left Des 
Moines and I'm damned if I can let him go." 
Whereupon he grabbed the ragged urchin 
and fondled it as tenderly as any mother 
could. 

"That's the spirit of the American dough- 
boy which the world cannot understand. 
He's a devil in the front line trenches, when 
he knows his country expects him to fight, 
but when the fighting is over and the job is 
done, he's ready to quit and go home. 

"It is not for me to say with what valor the 
colored soldiers accepted the issues of battle. 
One hears both good and ill reports. But 
what could be more characteristically hu- 



118 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

morous than the story of a southern soldier 
who was some sort of an aide where our big 
naval guns were set up and used on the 
western front. 

"It seems that those powerful cannon were 
made ready for a salvo. The guns were 
fixed. The range was determined. The 
shells were placed. An American admiral 
fired the first shot. The report was so ter- 
rific, the concussion was so great that the 
darky who lingered too close to the cannon 
was toppled over. Finally he got up, some- 
what stunned, rolled his white eyeballs, 
smiled an expansive grin, and looking east- 
ward across the Rhine as if he could see 
every German division exclaimed, "Mista 
Kaisah, count yo're army now." 

"Stories of comedy and tragedy will be 
told us of the front, in ever increasing num- 
bers as the years roll by, but the stories if 
they be true ones will enshrine the exploits 
of the American dough-boy in the loftiest 
niche of fame. 

"England, France, Belgium, Holland, 
Italy, Spain and Northern Africa are the 
countries in which I have recently traveled. 
In all save the neutrals similar scenes were 
being enacted. 



ON A TROOPSHIP 119 

"Soldiers were trooping back. Holidays 
were declared. Marching legions were ac- 
claimed by hundreds of thousands welcom- 
ing the victors home. 

"During months of agonizing warfare the 
soldier had longed for the armistice. He 
had dreamed of a Peace which should end 
all battle. For him there was but one de- 
sirable haven, and that haven was home. 

"He returned, and then came the awaken- 
ing. Instead of peace and plenty he found 
economic demoralization, attended some- 
times by riots which were almost revolu- 
tions. 

"Problems of food, finance, ocean-trans- 
portation, international trade, embargoes, 
tariff-walls were all mixed up in an economic 
hodge-podge. Add to these problems the 
unrest of labor and the high price of food 
and you have many of the elements of an- 
archy, which is the condition of Europe at 
this very hour. 

"I tried to look beyond the reaction of the 
moment into the immediate future to see 
Europe once more pursuing peaceful and 
profitable vocations, with finance reorgan- 
ized, production restored and trade in full 
swing. But the pendulum of peaceful pro- 



120 TfV EN TY-FOUR DAYS 

duction surely has swung far back of a nor- 
mal mean, while labor unrest is too preva- 
lent and pronounced to warrant even a sem- 
blance of optimism. I can only see depres- 
sion in Europe for many weary months to 
come. 

"The situation is the more serious because 
of the universal high price of food. Not that 
there is any world scarcity, for with the 
crops which are now being harvested, and 
the supplies already in hand, there is food 
enough and to spare, with the one exception 
of meat. 

"America has deemed it expedient to con- 
tinue its official control of breadstuffs, 
rather than to eitect a direct settlement with 
the producer on the basis of the guarantee. 
And while from the first I have been a con- 
sistent devotee of de-control, yet certainly 
I have no disposition now, to criticise in the 
remotest degree, the policies which our Gov- 
ernment proposes to pursue. But I want 
you to know that continued Government 
control of wheat distribution, renders it im- 
possible for private firms and individuals in 
foreign countries to enter into competition 
with us, or to successfully buy from us, so 
that bv our continued control we have 



ON A TROOPSHIP 121 

forced the allied and neutral countries to 
retain their official bureaus, thereby incur- 
ring the enmity of international business and 
retarding readjustment the world around. 

''Prices will remain high but they must not 
be artificially held at pre-war levels. Sup- 
plies of wheat are much more than adequate 
to meet every demand. European require- 
ments will be less this year than the highest 
figure of pre-war times. I repeat, the de- 
mand for wheat will be less in Europe this 
year than the highest figure of pre-war 
times. 

"The welcome which w^as extended to the 
American soldiers when they first landed on 
the continent is one of the most emotional 
incidents of the war. The universal feeling 
of joy w^as expressively stated to me by an 
Italian friend of mine whose English was 
often times picturesque. 

"Ah, when de Americanos came we were 
mucha happy. We mak'a da beautiful 
face." 

"We did light up the face of Europe, but 
the fortunes of diplomacy have all but ex- 
tinguished the light. I shall not criticise 
our diplomats. It is not for me to say, just 
now, whether their work w^as nobly done. 



122 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

I do know that when I left Europe three 
weeks ago I did not feel that I was leaving 
any friendly government or press behind. 
Surely that is a condition which we cannot 
afford to aggravate by an unwise commer- 
cial poHcy involving the bread of man. We 
might endanger civilization and we might 
make the world unsafe for Democracy. 

"Let us now in a moment of diversion con- 
sider the concluding features of what I have 
to say. I am deeply sensible of the fact that 
you have listened to me with generous cour- 
tesy, but I also realize that my time is far 
spent. 

"I chose to introduce my preliminary re- 
marks with a simile of the cinema, because 
I am often asked why I do not use motion 
pictures to illustrate the subjects which I 
discuss. Without prejudice against the mo- 
tion picture industry, which is the greatest 
educational force enlightening the masses in 
this age ,no pictures of which I can conceive 
could carry to you in one hour the inspira- 
tion which I would impart. 

"If I have but feebly tapped the fountain 
of your thoughts then what you think will 
go further in vaster and more potent ramifl- 



ON A TROOPSHIP 123 

cations than anything the eye could be 
shown. 

"A good speech, like a Rembrandt picture 
scintillates with delicate lights and shades. 
But it takes intelligent people to appreciate 
them. I wonder if you follow me. 

"We have seen something of England, 
Scotland and France. I have shown you a 
procession of people passing from war to 
peace, with just a touch of pathos, a glimmer 
of humor and desolate chaos which is the 
tragedy of war. We have seen the pendu- 
lum of progress swing backward on its axis, 
passing in its diverting sweep, a host of eco- 
nomic problems which involve the lives of 
nations and the destinies of races. 

*'But there are other countries where I 
have recently traveled which would interest 
you. 

Belgium, emerging from enemy occupa- 
tion, ready to trade tomorrow with former 
foe or friend. 

"Holland, the neutral nation, which con- 
stantly incurred the enmity of first one 
power and then the other, meanwhile bliss- 
fully starving to death, neath the folds of 
peace. 



124 TW EN TY-FOU R DAYS 

"Spain, war's greatest profiteer, with the 
exception of Sweden. 

''Italy, minus macaroni, feeding her soul 
upon scenery, and devoutly praying that 
a million tourists with a billion dollars will 
soon be searching in her ruins for relics of 
Caesar, while it rains sphagetti every Satur- 
day night. 

"Do you know that in Italy, when the Aus- 
trians were making their fiercest drive along 
the Piave, that the horticulturists, attracted 
by the shiny copper wire which the British 
had strung to connect their bases with the 
front, continually cut long sections of that 
wire from the poles, not because of any de- 
sire to assist the enemy, but in order that 
their grapes might be properly arbored from 
tree to tree"? 

"Do you know that in one little town of 
two thousand people, which was all but de- 
molished by shell fire that the Red Cross 
sent a hurry-up call to Rome for clothing for 
the women and children, and that in due 
time first 36 cases, arrived, each one contain- 
ing dozens of pairs of drawers which Italian 
women never wear? 

"Do you know that fifty car-loads of Red 
Cross material of all kinds lay on the side 



ON A T RO O P SHIP 125 

tracks at Rome, and when it was finall}^ dis- 
posed of they used expensive cotton band- 
ages for shining shoes and they used the lint 
so painfully prepared by our good women as 
a substitute for cotton waste to wipe rail- 
road cars and other things? 

"Do you know that car-load after car-load 
of pajamas were sent into Italy when it is 
positively against the principles of the Ital- 
ian laborer to robe himself at night in any- 
thing which would afford security to the 
twin brother of the cootie? 

"Do you know that I could stand here for 
an hour and talk to you about nothing else 
but the lamentable waste of war? 

"However, I landed you at Liverpool and 
now I must bring you back. My emotions 
upon returning to our own country are prob- 
ably very much like those of any other trav- 
eler who wanders far into foreign lands and 
then comes home. 

"I have never been enraptured by a sight of 
the statue of Liberty, nor does the sky line 
of commercial peaks jutting New York har- 
bor appeal very vigorously to me. M}^ mind 
sweeps on to the prairies, over vast expanses 
of fertile fields. Out West, here where the 



126 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

pioneers discarded Colonial clothes and put 
on the homespun of Americanism. 

''Somehow I can't help believing that the 
spirit of Liberty, which grew to maturity 
here in our midst, is what clashed with au- 
tocracy on the battlefields of Europe and 
sent it tottering to its eternal fall, and that 
from its ashes there will spring a Parliament 
of Man, call it what you will, which shall 
guarantee security to law abiding nations 
and to every honest man the inalienable 
right of a fair fighting chance. 

"We shall never be able to escape in this 
country, the reflex of the unrest which pre- 
vails abroad. For unnumbered years Eu- 
rope has been preparing its soil for just such 
seeds of discord as are now being sown. But 
in the United States of America there is not 
one square foot of dirt on which Bolshevism 
can thrive for any length of time. It will 
be sown in our midst but it will fall among 
the tares. 

"Americanism, distinct and separate from 
any other nationality, purged of its hyphens 
and babel of tongues, is a symbol of law and 
order. 

"It is a composite of the Yankee dough- 
boy, stalwart, erect, noble and brave, as 



ON A TROO P SHIP 127 

ready for tasks of peace as he was ready for 
the rigors of war. 

"And out of the Valley of the Shadow I 
see an old soldier, beneath the folds of a tat- 
tered flag, standing rigidly at salute." 



There is a good man and true on board 
whose wife is in the cabin just opposite me. 
To be exact the immediate space separating 
the curtain which hangs these hot nights 
over my door, and the curtain which hangs 
in front of her door is two and one-half feet. 
There are three other women in her cabin. 
All are just the sort of people by whom one 
wishes to be well thought of. Probably it 
is unnecessary for me to say that they are 
religious workers. THe husband frequently 
joins the four women for devotions. Please 
bear in mind that I am not writing for the 
purpose of ridicule. I am labeling this para- 
graph "serious." 

It might have been a mere coincidence 
that the man drifted into my cabin one eve- 
ning before I took on a navy lieutenant at 
Gibraltar. We discussed at some length 
various phases and repercussions of the war, 
drifting inevitably toward the moral side of 
it. Finally he said to me, "Don't you believe 



128 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

that what the world needs is rehgion?" It 
was a serious question, seriously propounded 
and warranted a serious answer. 

I parried his question with this one, "And 
what do you mean by religion t" 

Then he told me a very beautiful story 
of the transformation of his own life; how 
he had traveled paths which troubled his 
conscience, but finally, after contemplating 
suicide, he was saved by conversion or re- 
birth, at a Salvation Army meeting. 

From that time on he had led an entirely 
different life. The change or conversion was 
brought about by a Power entirely distinct 
and separate from his life so he thought and 
that change was what he meant by religion. 

It was then my time to answer and I said 
something like this: 

"Since you have given me your definition 
of religion, much as I would like to answer 
you "yes," yet in obedience to the dictates 
of my own conscience I must say emphati- 
cally "No." 

He was deeply offended but partially con- 
cealed it and asked me what I meant. And 
then I told him something like this: 

"Religion has wrought a great transfor- 
mation in your life. It has in truth saved 



ON A TROOPSHIP 129 

you and has given you happiness which you 
never knew^ before, but, my dear fellow, do 
you not see that your experience was just 
what you needed for your particular kind 
of sickness. Therefore, like thousands of 
good men you conclude out of the fruits of 
your own experience that what the world 
needs is your cure. My conclusion is that 
those who are sick just as you were, need 
your cure and no others. I should be very 
miserable indeed if fate should pull me 
through your process. Your soul needs one 
kind of fertilizer, mine another. Therefore, 
let us both so live that others may feel that 
it has been good to know us, but let us re- 
member that after all is said and done, re- 
ligion is a matter of individual conscience. 
I am very, very happy in the knowledge of 
love and respect of my family and friends. 
My religion satisfies me." 

Then the good man began to thunder at 
me, warning me that the time would come 
in my life when I would feel the absolute 
need of his particular brand of religion. He 
does not know, nor did I tell him, that I have 
drunk the very deepest dregs of sorrow, and 
that somehow I have managed to keep my 
face to the front; that in the midst of infinite 



130 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

tears I have never lost sight of the smiles; 
but from that time on wq were lost in the 
maze of our philosophies of life. 

Which brings me to this. The only sound 
which issued from my cabin door for a week 
was the click of this typewriter, while now 
and then I would give vent to a peroration 
of an imaginary speech. Cabin 213 had a 
good reputation. Then came the navy lieu- 
tenant. His language is more picturesque 
than mine and the good ladies across the 
way were horrified. He even went so far as 
to invite some friends on the boat to this 
sanctum. There was a clink of glasses and 
loud laughter inspired by the good spirits 
which prevailed. This happened not once 
but many times. My reputation was at 
stake, so I had to save It. 

This morning the opportunity came. The 
blessed five gathered in the adjacent cabin 
for devotions. The lieutenant was upstairs 
eating his breakfast. But drawing the thin 
curtain across my door I pretended he was 
present and proceeded in the following fash- 
ion, shouting through the curtain so my 
voice would carry across the narrow hall: 

"Good morning, lieutenant. I hope you 
had a good sleep. You were drinking again 



ON A TROOPSHIP 131 

last night. Your conduct, sir, is positively 
reprehensible and from this time on I want 
you to distinctly understand that this cabin 
is to be respected. My reputation shall not 
be allowed to sufifer because of your worldly 
ways. (Silence in the adjacent cabin.) What 
was Number 213 before you came? It was 
my room of meditation and thought, of work 
and sleep? What have you made it, sir? A 
brothal house. No wonder you are silent. 
There is nothing you can say, absolutely 
nothing. For the sake of your mother I 
beg of you to change your ways. Repent 
now, I pray. Do not speak. Do not dare to 
speak. Listen to your conscience before it 
is too late." 

I stopped. And as the lapping waves fell 
back in crested foam from the hull of the 
steamer I heard a fervent and echoed 
"Amen." Then I knew my sermon had gone 
home (across the hall). 



CHAPTER XXI. 

Have just heard that the New York office 
of the Lloyd Sabaudo has sent out a wire- 
less asking us where we are. Anxious hus- 
bands, never mind. If you could see your 
little wifies, wild, free and perfectly happy 
on the ocean wave, you might not care 
whether this old hulk sinks or not. Just as 
one lady said to me, "I'm awfully glad I left 

H y at home. I wouldn't have known 

half the things I have learned on this trip." 
Traveling sure does broaden the vision con- 
siderable. 

Yesterday an embalmer and an engineer, 
who is also an embalmer, became involved in 
a discussion as to the relative merits of their 
preserving fluids. The American insisted 
that his system preserved the corpse in a 
better condition than that of the Italian com- 
petitor. The debate grew very heated and 
a crowd gathered to hear. Finally both 
turned to the audience and asked for volun- 
teers who would loan an arm or a leg for 

132 



TWENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 133 

purposes of experimentation. The heroes 
were all asleep or not present. 

Anyway, the Italian got the better of the 
argument by producing a guinea pig, appro- 
priately embalmed looking natural as life. 
In fact, the poor thing was not exhibited 
very long before several swore a lot of little 
guinea pigs were squealing for mother. 

But the resourceful American said, "I'll 
show you," and dropped the argument as 
quickly as he had taken it up. Now the sec- 
ond officer is looking for the ship's cat but 
tabby is nowhere to be found. I saw her. 
The American rigged up a little casket in 
which he placed an electric light. Pussy is 
laid out and looks as natural as life. But 
her mousing days are over. She lies in state, 
a mute sacrifice to the embalmer's art. There 
is one lady on board who carries her hus- 
band's ashes. The embalmer has caused her 
very deep grief by demonstrating to the 
widow's satisfaction that if he had been 
called in she might have preserved him 
pickled for a century or more. 

Saturday there were several boxing 
matches which were tame affairs and in the 
evening six dough-boys entertained the first- 
class passengers with songs. It was not that 



134 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

they sang so well, for they did not. It was 
the animation with which they rendered 
their songs and it was the democracy of the 
occasion which made their rendition pos- 
sible, that appealed most emphatically to the 
foreigners on board. It was hard for them 
to understand how we ''aristocrats" could as- 
semble and vociferously cheer the songs of 
just "common soldiers." Well, that's Amer- 
ica. Long may she so live! 

This morning the Y. M. C. A. distributed 
a cake of chocolate to each man on board, 
also a small package of cigarettes and one 
package of Bull Durham for every two men. 
At the canteen I noticed last night they were 
selling tobacco from boxes with Knights of 
Columbus labels on them. I had heard that 
this was done in France but I saw no evi- 
dence of it. 

Some lady, adorned with a tortoise shell 
cigarette holder, sang last evening while a 
fine old gentleman played the piano. They 
say it was beautiful. 

This morning we soldiers and one civilian 
had oatmeal, molasses, oleo, bacon, bread 
and coffee for breakfast. 

One man, who walks around with his left 
hand in his trousers pocket all the time, has 



ON A TROOPSHIP 135 

been the butt of ungallant remarks. The 
poor fellow has a deformed arm. 

A madam with three beautiful daughters 
has a husband on board, but I didn't find 
it out for nearly three weeks. The embalm- 
ing controversy might have been given added 
zest by a real human victim. 

I asked the Red Cross lady this morning 
to give me the very latest information con- 
cerning the race between the Captain and 
the Lieutenant. She said, "Quit your kid- 
ding. I'm a poor hard working girl. When 
I get money enough I'm going to settle 
down on a little farm and raise cats" and 
other things; let's see, I've forgotten what 
she said now. 

The jam they serve for breakfast and at 
tea is a little fermented, and it is very pur- 
gative. Several people are complaining. 

The American lieutenant in charge of the 
quartermaster stores says that between $800 
and $1,000 worth of food, for the soldiers, 
has been appropriated since we started on 
this trip, by someone who disappeared with- 
out leaving a trace. 

Every morning about 9:30 the Major calls 
the American officers to order in the smok- 
ing room and business proceeds. 



136 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

An Officer: What's the reasons we are 
not being served any oranges ? There were 
several cases loaded on the boat. 

An Officer: Some of the second-class pas- 
sengers have oranges. Where do they buy 
them? 

An Officer: The oranges are reserved for 
the hospital. 

A Doctor: I am running the hospital and 
I haven't seen an orange. 

An Officer: Most of the oranges have 
spoilt. 

There being no further business and a 
pretty girl having just passed by a port hole, 
the meeting is immediately adjourned. 

Sunday morning the Missionary delivered 
an especially fervid appeal for the salvation 
of the sinners on this boat. What in thun- 
der does he know about it ? I haven't shown 
this manuscript to a soul. 

A whale there was who went to sea, 

Riding the waves in whalish glee 

One day he swallowed a lemon peel, 

Which he found floating near the keel, 
but there goes the luncheon bell. There 
doesn't seem to be any radical diminution of 
the food on board. It was coming strong 
today, especially the fish. I wonder if that 



ON A T RO O P SHIP 137 

blooming embalmer made a mistake and 
didn't really use the cat. 

They are now fishing in European waters 
with T. N. T. depth bombs. They say that 
aside from a rather glassy stare in the eyes, 
the fish which is T. N. Teed is unharmed. 

When that whale swallowed the lemon 
peel he didn't notice the seed 

Until it became a great big tree, 
Filled with lemons as you and me. 

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have sev- 
eral arbitration cases to settle, a number of 
romances to wind up, and I have promised 
to give two children a very much needed 
bath. We've hit the Gulf Stream and this 
boat has got the heaves. 



CHAPTER XXII. 

A storm rages at sea. This morning at 
five many were awakened by tremendous 
crashes of thunder and vivid flashes of Hght- 
ning. Rain came down in torrents. The 
port holes had to be closed. The vessel 
seems wet inside and out. Streams of salt 
water are running down the corridors. In 
the hold 1,206 dough-boys are encased in a 
dank and dismal tomb. Scores of them are 
sick. Water, waves, lightning, fog, wind, 
mad, mad elements roar and rage in the 
mighty tempest. At such a time as this the 
meek and lowly take refuge in prayer. A 
few of us hardened sinners who are able to 
•walk in slippery places enjoy the storm. The 
ship seems to have suddenly become a mas- 
ter of its own destiny. It plunges into the 
teeth of a gale which none can face in the 
bow, it rises and falls and careens and then 
rights itself and moves majestically on. A 
storm at sea. How frail is man, and yet 
omnipotent. In the calm the ocean seems 
to be a mighty maw ready to open at any 

138 



TfVENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 139 

moment, anywhere, and swallow. But the 
storm fastens the hatches of the horizon 
close about you. The waves leap toward 
you, the steamer quivers but goes on and on. 
Here is a fight. The elemental is stirred. 
Thank God for storms at sea! 

We are nearing home. The reception is 
blustery but over against the canopy of the 
setting sun the spires and towers of com- 
merce stand as sentinels. We cannot see 
them now but we can hear them. Time 
drags. Thus it so happened that yesterday 
evening we were to be entertained by some 
colored boys, but a fretting ocean, which 
was a premonition of that which now en- 
gulfs us, upset the vocalization program. 
Hence it was but natural that some of my 
acquaintances asked me to read the manu- 
script of this book. That I have been writ- 
ing it, is a secret which I imparted only to a 
gracious lady friend with strict injunctions 
not to tell. Hence those who importuned 
me were not so very large in numbers. I 
capitulated. Casually browsing here and 
there I read a few accounts of the incidents 
as I have recorded them, just as they have 
been enacted upon this boat. It was 
thoughtless of me to read the harem scene 



140 TWENTY-FOUR DAYS 

for among my audience was a hot blooded 
young Italian, a most excellent and cultured 
man. He has long black hair which fre- 
quently shades his eyes. He articulates with 
his hands. He gesticulates with his legs. 
He is animation quickened and electrical. 

In a dreamy monotone like the crooning 
of a Hawaiian love song I began my descrip- 
tion of the harem. Deftly the picture was 
enfolded to his ecstatic gaze, but I wist not. 
With that ardor which comes from a natural 
elocutionary diction, I pictured the "couches 
of repose." Suddenly there was a wail and 
a flop. The Italian had swooned and fallen 
to the floor. Some one dashed a pitcher of 
salt water in his face. He gasped and mut- 
tered, "O la la la, tra la la, tra la la, la la. 
Save, Save," but he got no further. No 
doubt the power of description had for the 
moment overcome his temperamental mind 
and he was calling upon Mahomet's god, 
Allah, Allah, to save him, but we could not 
understand. 

Last night when the storm was raging at 
its worst, a tremendous thunder clap awoke 
me, and it was some time before I could set- 
tle back to sleep. During the interim I al- 
ternately switched the electric light off and 



ON A TROO PS HIP 141 

on with each thunder peal. The Lieutenant 
said this morning that he had spent months 
and months at sea but never in his life had 
he witnessed such an electrical disturbance. 
If the storm had come a day earlier I could 
have imitated the thunder, too. 

When it cleared up this morning about 
eleven o'clock the soldiers poured out of the 
hold, and they sent up a cheer of universal 
gratitude which must have startled old Nep- 
tune. 

The Lieutenant won. The lady will not 
retire to a farm and raise cats. She will 
raise the "other things." 

Two long shrill blasts of the whistle. A 
man over board. The ship swung round at 
a dangerous angle. A life boat was being 
lowered just as I got on deck, while there 
in the water an Italian officer was struggling 
against fate. He had leaped from the top 
deck to save Scruggs, the little poodle of the 
lady whose mother had thrown out the line. 
Was a mite of a dog worth a life? Perhaps, 
when that dog was cared for and caressed 
by one who had grown so dear to him. All 
of the resentment which we felt in our 
hearts when this officer had wooed and won 
(with the aid of a doting mother), a girl of 



142 T^FENTY-FOUR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

American breeding flickered out of our 
minds like mosquitoes through a hole in the 
screen on a hot summer night. There was 
no need now for Arbitration. The jig saw 
of fortune had buzzed. The hour of jesting 
is over. The American and the Italian em- 
balmer flipped a coin for the vantage and 
tails won. While a pitiless shark settled the 
fate of poor Scruggs. Selah! 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

When we left Genoa the twenty-third of 
June this boat traveled at a pace just a little 
faster than a man can trot. After we had 
taken on the soldiers at Marseilles and had 
coaled at Gibraltar we then struck out across 
the Atlantic at the same rate of speed. Noth- 
ing has stopped us. We have kept going. 
Tomorrow we dock in New York. After all, 
the plugger is the fellow who gets there. 

When Theodore Roosevelt sent the Amer- 
ican fleet around the world a little while ago, 
very few knew what he had in mind. Just 
one incident of that trip proved very helpful 
during the war, for the Yankton couldn't 
keep up. It was a small boat, the machinery 
was not in good repair, and it continually 
lagged behind. There was no wireless on 
the boats, but it kept in touch with the fleet 
by following the route of boxes, tin cans, 
and other things which were thrown over 
boar,d. So in the Great War battleships and 
merchant ships threw nothing over board 

143 



144 TWENTY-FOVR DAYS ON A TROOPSHIP 

which would not sink and thus give the sub- 
marine a trail to follow. 

Last night I went upon the top deck for 
a time to enjoy the stars and the moonlight 
and a calm ocean. I chose a secluded spot 
on top of one of the life boats which was cov- 
ered with a canvas. Suddenly I heard 
voices below me and I couldn't help listen- 
ing. One was a married man, the other an 
unmarried girl. There, in a most wonderful 
setting of sky and sea, they plotted their 
platonic love. Of all the hydra-headed mon- 
sters which has ever invaded the lives of 
people, platonic love is about the most dev- 
ilish and dastardly. It simply cannot be 
done. Infinite sorrow is reaped by those 
who embrace it. Better bubonic than pla- 
tonic! 

This has been a gala day, the last, we 
hope, on board the Pesaro. Splendid box- 
ing matches, real music, speeches, and hilar- 
ity. We are almost home. Few of the 
rumors which disturbed us have material- 
ized. We have had plenty to eat, good sea 
weather, and here is our country. A multi- 
tude of vexations are submerged in joy. 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

For heaven's sake, porter, hurry with that 
baggage. Taxi, please. Hello, Broadway, 
I'm home! 



145 



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